Going Out in Joy ... Going Forth in Peace

It's a New Year ...

2009-01-02T08:09:00.004-06:00

and that means it is time to do what I've been debating on doing for the past 2-3 months: close this blog. But, have no fear! I am going to continue to blog, just at a new address. It won't be terribly different than this blog ... the same random ramblings from my mind.

You might wonder why the change. This blog represents the cry of my heart at a very turbulent time in my life. I'm in a much better place now. I'd like for my new blog to be more about who I am now and who I am becoming.

So ... you can now find my current blog at this new address: http://paigikins.blogspot.com/ And you can continue to re-read old posts here at this blog as well. I love all of my readers and treasures the comments you've made to me during the past year. I hope you will continue to read and comment on my new blog, too!

Online version of our 2008 Christmas Card & Letter

2008-12-23T17:46:00.006-06:00

Dear Family and Friends,
Have you ever felt like things were going wrong at every turn, and that no matter how hard you tried things just didn't go according to your plan? Perhaps you can relate ... but if not, please bear with me while I tell my story.

Earlier this month I ordered Christmas photo cards. From the start, it all seemed to go wrong. I placed my order online, and discovered soon afterward that the company I used was brand-new. They were overwhelmed with many more orders than they expected, and so were unable to process my order in a timely manner. Once my order finally got shipped, winter weather kept delaying the cards as they slowly made their way to my doorstep. Originally I was supposed to have received my cards by December 10th, but it was December 22nd before the cards ever showed up in my mailbox.

I was already somewhat upset about the lengthy delay, so imagine my utter shock when I opened my package and saw the the Christmas photo cards I ordered had arrived minus the photo! Who ever heard of a Christmas photo card without the photo?!? You can imagine the utter dismay and frustration I felt with the situation.

Well, after the hot angry tears were all wiped away and a good night's sleep had given me a new perspective, the thought occurred to me that maybe Joseph felt like the world was working against him on that very first Christmas. I wonder what thoughts and emotions went through is head as he tried and tried to find a safe place for Mary. And when he could find no room in the inn and had to take refuge in a barn, did he question himself as to why this was the best he could manage to do for his wife and the newborn Son of God? It seems unlikely that Joseph had first-hand knowledge that it was God's intention for the King of Kings to be born in a lowly stable. Maybe he did, but I have a feeling that Joseph felt a lot of dismay and frustration with the situation.

Obviously "The Great Christmas Card Fiasco of 2008" is far from being the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of mankind. It's not even close to being the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Truthfully, I can't even really say it was bad because in the end the company apologized for their terrible mistake and gave me a full refund, which is honestly the best thing they could do under the circumstances. And even though this is definitely not the card I had intended to send to all of my loved ones, my children were very eager to help me make lemonade from the lemons thrown our way by drawing pictures of themselves into the blank photo spot so that the cards weren't a total waste. Free Christmas cards can't be all that bad!

So maybe this won't be the best Christmas card you receive this season, but I imagine it will be the most unforgettable card. I'm hoping to send out real photo cards sometime this spring, but until then the kids and I hope you will enjoy this original creation from our house.

May your home be filled with peace and joy ... and may your hearts stay merry and bright throughout 2009!

with love,
Paige and the kids

Christmas Bells ... Wedding Bells

2008-12-21T20:38:00.006-06:00

My sister Brooke was married yesterday in a beautiful Christmas wedding. She married her sweetheart, Chris, on our parents' 40th wedding anniversary. I was honored to be my sister's matron of honor. Our brother was the minister who officiated the ceremony. The large sanctuary was a sea of red poinsettas, while twinkling white lights ordained trees in the choir loft and baptistry. It was a beautiful setting for a happy wedding.

Here are some snapshots taken on my camera yesterday ...

Brooke with her bridesmaids. From left to right:
Madison (daughter of the groom), Betsy (cousin of the bride), me, Brooke, Nan (sister of the groom), Karen (college friend of bride), Rachel (niece of bride)

Brooke with the children in the wedding.
On the left of the bride are Micah (nephew of bride), Haelyn and Suzannah (nieces of the groom) and Madison (daughter of the groom). On the right of the bride are Rachel and Julia (nieces of the bride), and Joel and Nate (nephews of the bride). The two older girls were junior bridesmaids. The three littler ones were flower girls. The boys escorted the flower girls and rang bells to announce the entrance of the bride.

Our family ...
(from left to right) Back row: Dad, Mom, Brooke, me, Heather and Reid
Front row: Joel, Rachel, Julia, Micah and Nate

Last picture ... Betsy snapped this picture of Brooke and me upstairs in the dressing room before the wedding.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me this past week. I was a bit more emotional than usual, but I did very well. My heart was happy for Brooke and not too terribly sad for me. I got a little teary watching her walk down the ailse. But mostly, I had a great time seeing my family from out of town and visiting with people I rarely get to see. I enjoyed a little late night shopping both nights ... the first night with my cousin Betsy for undergarments to wear underneath my dress and the second night with my Aunt Beth and Gail for Christmas gifts. Oh, and my favorite part of the weekend was that I got to spend lots of time holding babies ... Beau (my cousin Steffi's 5 month old son), Jude (my cousin Clay's 6 month old son), and Caleb (my cousin Andy's 8 month old son). No baby girls, just boys this time around! And while all 3 of them were just too adorable for words, Jude especially stole my heart. He reminded me of Nathan. He kept "kissing" me on the cheek. Nate used to do that. He'd pull my face to his and give those slobbery, wet baby kisses. So Jude scored big, big points with me just for that!

My kids loved the family time as well. My cousin Andy, his wife Gail and their 3 children (Nevin, Kayley and Caleb) drove all the way from Kansas for the wedding. Nevin is just 3 months older than Joel. Both of my boys loved playing with him. But it was Julia and Kayley who hit it off the best. They played together Saturday night until we made them go to bed. Gail said that Kayley went to sleep saying, "I'm going to love Julia forever!" And Julia brought me to tears when she said, "I've waited all my life for a best friend, and now I have one but she lives in Kansas!"

I just realized that I don't have a picture of the groom on my camera. I guess that would be because all of these pictures were taken prior to the wedding. Brooke was very traditional and didn't want to see Chris before the ceremony. So while we did a lot of picture taking prior to the service, all joint pictures of the bride and groom were taken after the wedding. I forgot to get a family member to take pictures for me then. Sorry about that, Chris!

Silly Bedtime Conversation

2008-12-12T21:17:00.003-06:00

This is the conversation I had with a very sleepy Nathan as I tucked him into bed:

Nate: Mama ... (long pause) ... What if we were in India ... (long pause) ... and our car ... (yawn) ... was suddenly surrounded ... (long pause and more yawning) ... by a lot of cobras .... (long, long pause) ... What would I ask you to do?

Me: Wow, what a scary situation! I really hope that never happens, but if it does what will you ask me to do?

Nate: I'd ask you ... (pause) ... to drive the car all over ... (yawn) ... the cobras .... (pause and yawn) ... and kill them, of course.

Me: Of course. That's definitely a good idea. Dead cobras are much better than alive cobras.

Nate: Wwweeeelllll ... (yawn) ... if you didn't kill them ... (long pause) ... then the cobras might decide to grab on to our car ... (pause) ... and take a ride. .... (yawn) ... We'd end up with cobras in Louisiana ... (yawn) ... and that wouldn't be good.

Then he turned over and pulled the covers over his little head.

Of Snow Days and Brown Eyes ... or Does God Answer Prayers?

2008-12-11T08:09:00.004-06:00

The is snow everywhere, or so it seems ... well, everywhere but here. To the east, the west, the north and the south ... snow, snow, snow. But none in our yard.

Joel, my little weather man, has wanted to see snow for his entire life. We even lived in VA for a winter and got no snow. And now there is snow falling everywhere but here. His cousins, who live more than 2 hours to our south, called at 7:15 this morning to see if we had a snow day, too. They have 5 inches and it is still falling. But there is no such luck for us. Just rain, rain, rain. No white fluffy flakes anywhere to be seen.

Last night I had a little chat with the Lord, asking Him for snow for my kids. In fact, I asked him for several snow days ... a deep storm that would envelop us for a few days. It's hard to learn that there are snowflakes falling this morning everywhere but here. It makes me cry out in my soul, "Why, Lord? I can't understand why this one little prayer isn't answered MY way!"

A few nights ago, as I tucked Nathan into bed, he once again asked me to pray for his father not to divorce me. That particular prayer from my children simply breaks my heart because I know it won't be answered the way they are praying, and I pray that it won't cause them to be bitter and turn away from God for not answering their prayer in a positive way. Still, we prayed the prayer. As we finished, Nathan said, "Mama, you know that God doesn't always answer our prayers with a yes. Sometimes He says no. And when He says no, it's okay ... sometimes their is a reason for no."

I was kind of stunned to hear such wise words from my little guy. I agreed with him, and told him that he was very smart for realizing this truth. Nathan said, "Well, I learned it from a story I read. There was this girl named Amy who was born in Ireland. Everybody else in her family had blue eyes, but Amy had brown eyes. She prayed that God would change her eyes to blue but God said no. When Amy grew up, she was a missionary in India and she needed brown eyes to help the people there. She couldn't have helped them if her eyes were blue because the people in India weren't used to people with blue eyes. So God told her no when she was a little girl for a reason." I smiled and kissed him, wondering where on earth Nathan had heard such a story.

The next day my mother (who is also Nathan's teacher) asked me to check over some of the extra work I'd been sending to school for Nathan. He's extremely advanced and needs extra work to occupy him. I had sent up some Abeka workbooks to the school for Nathan. As I checked his work, I found the story he had read about Amy in the Abeka workbook. And the thought crossed my mind ... Nathan's faith in God is growing, even at a public school. It's one of the things I used to fear about putting my kids into school ... their faith would be challenged and they would be unprepared to deal with the challenges. It's an answer to a prayer I've been praying for the past year.

So, does God answer prayers? Yes, I think so. He's answered some very big ones for me. Now, as to the snow today ... I'm not sure why God is saying no. However, I'm going to try to be like Nathan and trust God has a reason for it. And, I'm going to be very happy that I've got so many friends and loved ones who are enjoying the gift of an unexpected snow day. I hope they all enjoy the white stuff while it lasts!

Santa Claus ... I know him!

2008-12-08T19:35:00.002-06:00

You'd better watch out!
You'd better not cry!
You'd better not pout!
I'm tellin' you why ...
Santa Claus is comin' to town!

And he was at the mall on Saturday! Joy of joys!

Nathan and Julia were thrilled to have a few minutes to chat with "Old St. Nick." Nate always insists upon using that Santa name, though Joel seems to get a kick out of the old Pennsylvania Dutch name for Santa ... Belsnickle. But that's beside the point!

The real reason for this post is because after 15 minutes in line, $15 handed over the happy elves and 3 minutes on Santa's lap, we walked away with a cute picture that I felt like sharing. Enjoy!

Growing Pains

2008-12-08T11:37:00.005-06:00

This past weekend, my sister Brooke and I had a long list of things to do before her wedding. My parents were gone out of town, so the kids had to to come along for the ride. It was a terribly long day, and so we tried to make it as fun for the kids as possible.

We started out by going to the mall to see Santa. Nathan and Julia were so excited, but Joel didn't want to go and see Santa. He decided he'd rather go shoe shopping with Aunt Brooke. It didn't so much surprise me that he didn't believe in Santa anymore. Joel's never really believed that strongly ... but it did shock me when he just didn't have any desire to go see Santa and have his picture taken. Joel didn't act indecisive or unsure about it. He just sort of shrugged his shoulders, and asked if he could go with Aunt Brooke. Of course, I let him, while at the same realizing that I wasn't expecting this to be the Christmas when he was too big to sit on Santa's lap. It felt sort of weird and a bit lonely to stand in the Santa line with only 2 kids instead of 3 bouncing children.

After lunch, we had to do a bit more shoe shopping. This time we were buying dress shoes for the kids to wear in the wedding. Nathan's been having a big growth spurt. He has grown 3 shoe sizes in the past year! I was concerned about getting the right size shoe for his foot, so I asked the sales lady to measure his feet. When she said Nathan needed a 3 1/2, I asked her to go ahead and measure Joel's foot as I thought he was wearing a size 3. Joel hadn't been complaining of his shoes fitting too tightly, but if Nathan's foot had surpassed Joel's than that would be a bit weird!

The kind woman measured Joel's foot and then said, "Ma'am ... you are in the wrong dept for this young man. He's outgrown children's shoes and will need to go over to the men's dept." I must have looked stunned for she quickly added, "Children's shoes stop at size 4, and he needs a 5 1/2."

Still shocked, I thanked her, and then tried to get my bearings. Men's shoes? Joel needed men's shoes? For the past 8 1/2 years, I've shopped in children's departments for my kid's clothing needs. Now I'm being sent away! I'm not ready to leave the children's department!

I know that Joel is far, far from being grown up ... but on Saturday I felt the growing pains so strongly. Lord, the days are long but the years are short. Please give me a heart of love, wisdom and courage to raise these 3 kids for you in the short but tender time you give their charge to me.

Hung by the Chimney with Care

2008-12-01T21:53:00.003-06:00

I wish you could see them ... the line of felt stockings hanging across the brick wall above the fireplace at my grandfather's home. Last year, it was 39 stockings. This year there are 43 stockings stretched in a line. Each year, we add another 2 or 3 or 4 new stockings ... one for each new baby or new spouse. As our family continues to grow, so do the stockings over the fireplace, until now there are so many that we can barely read the names on each one!

We love to add new stockings, and thankfully we get to do that regularly. But taking one away is a rather hard thing to do. In fact, when my great-grandmother and my grandmother passed away, we didn't remove their stockings from our line. We keep them hanging next to my grandfather's stocking because really they are with us in our hearts.

Last fall, Matt decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore. He made a choice to leave our family. I can only guess that his stocking didn't hang with the others last Christmas, though I honestly don't recall for my grief was too dark then for me to take note of whether or not his stocking was hung by the chimney with care. I imagine that my mother or one of my aunts set his stocking quietly to the side. To this day, I'm grateful to those who took care of situations like this for me during those darkest of days.

Now the Christmas season is upon us again. This past Sunday afternoon, my mother got out the box of stockings and all the stocking-making parafanalia, so that we could begin our annual stocking-making session. Some family began to hang stockings along the wall while others of us crafted new ones to be hung on the line. As we dug through boxes, sifting and sorting the stockings into small family groups, a tan stocking was pulled from the dark recesses of the box. I knew instantly that it belonged to Matt, and seeing it again was like a small jab to the heart.

For a long while, Matt's stocking lay set aside on the table, among a bunch of felt being used to make new stockings. Later on, someone said, "I suppose we could pull the felt holly off of Matt's stocking to reuse on one of these new ones." I retorted, "That's fine with me, though I can't imagine who would want it." I'm glad my kids weren't around to hear me say those words because I instantly regretted saying them. Sometimes my bitterness still gets the better of me.

Even though I regretted what I said, there was a truth to my words. Who in my family would want their new child or grandchild to be given Matt's old stocking? That would be sort of like a slap in the face, wouldn't it? And yet, I couldn't see throwing the stocking away either. It would be as if we were saying he never existed. Sometimes thinking of him causes me pain, and yet to act as though my 14 year marriage to him never happened would be excrutiatingly painful too.

So there the stocking sat, glaring at me. Eventually, I picked it up to use as a template to make another stocking, trying to act as if it didn't burn my fingers to touch it. My heart felt heavy. I didn't want to put that stocking back in the box only to pull it out again next year and feel these same ugly feelings. I didn't want to trash it or attempt to recycle parts of it either. While I was wondering over what to do with the stocking, Nate walked over and said, "Momma, there's Daddy's stocking. Aren't you going to hang it on the wall?" Thankfully, someone (who must have overheard what he said) suddenly called Nathan away, rescuing me before I had to answer him.

And then, in that awkward moment, as I sat breathing a prayer for wisdom and peace, my Aunt Lucy spoke up: "Maybe your kids could give the stocking to Matt to hang on his wall." Ah-ha! That was the answer I was looking for! If I had been sitting nearer to her, I would have kissed Aunt Lucy! Yes ... I would give the stocking back to Matt. In that moment, I knew as clearly as I knew I had to give Matt his stocking that there was more for me to do ... I needed to create 3 more felt stockings for Matt.

This year, the kids will give their Dad a set of four felt stockings to hang at his home. Now when they visit his home for the holidays in future years, they will find stockings that were lovingly created just for them. It's a gift that I'm choosing to give to my children, even though they will wrap it up to give to their Daddy. Tonight, as I made a new set of stockings that I would never use, but rather give to my kids to give to the man who has caused me such indescribable pain, I'm once again reminded that bitterness can be replaced with peace and answers can be found when we seek the King in the Manger. My heart hasn't hurt not one time tonight as I crafted ... in fact, I smiled thinking of how my kids will be blessed by something as simple as a stocking made out of felt.

Baby Nate

2008-11-27T21:42:00.005-06:00

Seven years ago today at 3:21 pm in Monterey, California, Nathan Todd T. entered this world. He weighed in at a hefty 9 lbs 12 oz and was 22 1/4 inches long ... a big boy! Nate was born with a head full of hair ... and it stuck up everywhere. He was all of 2 seconds old when the nurses began to ooh and aah over his dimples. His eyes were a bright blue, and never that dark, muddy blue that so many babies are born having until their eye color changes. Once Nate's hair turned blonde he looked just like a California Beach Boy baby!

Here are a couple of pictures of baby Nate for you to enjoy:

This is a picture of two week old Nathan. It was the first professional portrait we had taken of him. You wouldn't believe how hard I worked to get his hair to lay down flat! It was unreal how that hair stuck out everywhere!

When Nathan was about 10 months old, we visited Yosemite National Park. By that time, he had the Beach Boy look going on with his light blonde hair and big blue eyes. I've always liked this picture of Nathan because this is the way I think of Nathan when I remember him as a baby ... smiling with those big dimples and bright eyes. He was always so huggable ... still is, but don't tell anyone that I said that. Apparently, being huggable isn't cool for 1st grade boys.

I've said it before and I'll say it again ... the best parenting advice anyone ever gave to me was this: The days are long, but the years are short. It seems like I've turned around a couple of times and my baby boy is 7 years old! I look at him and can't believe this is the same baby who was so quick to smile. He was born knowning how to use those dimples to melt my heart!

It's hard to look at the baby photos and think that this is the same baby who had ear infection after ear infection after ear infection during that first year of life. In fact, he was so sick so much that we made 30 trips to the pediatrician during his first year of life ... and yet, I recall him as a very happy baby. Well, happy unless we were riding in the car and then he screamed non-stop. This is also the same little one that flat refused to eat baby foods. Nate was toothless until he was over a year old, and yet at around 6 1/2 months he decided that if a food looked like it might be intended for babies to eat then he simply wouldn't put it in his mouth. The little guy just gummed everything! Nate was my quickest baby to reach all the big milestones: smiling, cooing, laughing, talking, sitting up, pulling up, standing up, walking, running. It seemed that Nathan was born determined to catch up to his big brother.

Now Nathan's my little artist. He spends much of his time drawing, or creating things. He loves animals and nature and science. He is hoping to find a microscope under the Christmas tree ... and maybe something to dissect, too. Some days, like when I'm talking to him about dissecting things or watching him paint a picture or see him riding his bike up and down the driveway, it is hard to remember him ever being such a small baby.

But then I recall that some things haven't changed. He still has blonde hair, bright blue eyes and great big dimples. He's still a loud and dramatic child, though mostly I think of him as having a quick laugh. He still loves to eat. He still has frequent ear infections, and goes to the doctor more than his brother and sister combined.

And his smile still makes my heart melt.

Why I Read Aloud to my Children ...

2008-11-25T21:46:00.005-06:00

As a parent, I'm fairly diligent about only a few things: teaching my children about God and His ways, bedtimes, hygiene, and reading aloud.

Personally, I love reading. I always have, and I suppose that I always will. And, as a teacher, I knew that reading was one of the most important educational skills that children learn. Somewhere, long ago, I read an article about the best way to raise a reader was to make reading important in your home. It stuck with me and to this day I think of it quite often. That's why when I became a mom, I set out with a goal of raising my children to be excellent readers, so that they would grow into adults who were well-read and fully capable of learning by reading.

One of the ways I do this is to diligently spend half an hour or so reading aloud to the kids every single night. It's a practice that I started when Joel was maybe 2 months old. Every night, after we brush our teeth, we spend a little while reading before heading to bed. It's just what we do in our home as part of our bedtime routine. I usually read 1-2 picture books to Julia and then a chapter or two from a longer book to the boys (though Julia usually attempts to listen as well). I love sitting all snuggled up on the couch with the kids, reading from a good book. And what fun when we discover a book that we all love! (You can look on my sidebar and see a list of all the chapter books I've read aloud this year.)

I guess it probably doesn't come as a surprise that my boys are great readers. In fact, both boys were extremely early readers. Joel began reading shortly before his 4th birthday. As crazy as it sounds, he taught himself to read. Six months later, Joel decided to teach Nathan to read. I thought it was cute to see the two of them sitting together on the couch with a book between them, Joel pointing to each word and saying it while Nathan pointed and repeated the words back. I never gave much thought to if Joel's reading lessons were really working. However, it wasn't long before my mother (a first grade teacher) and I realized that Nathan was really reading and had not just memorized the words to his favorite books. He was just 3 years, 2 months old. We were astounded to say the least! Both boys not only learned to read amazingly young, but developed their reading skills with astonishing speed. I really didn't have to work to teach them to read. It sort of happened without much effort on my part. Now that they are 8 1/2 and 7, it is hard to remember a time when the two of them couldn't read. In fact, Nathan has even asked me if he was born knowing how to read because he doesn't remember a time when he couldn't read!

However, Julia has been a different story all together. To begin with, she's never shown as much interest in reading as her brothers ... until this summer. Suddenly, you could see the wheels turning. Julia began asking me to tell her what certain words said. Several times she cried when her teasing big brothers wouldn't let her play because she couldn't read yet. And many times every week, Julia asked me to teach her how to read.

We worked hard on learning letter sounds and I showed her how to sound out short words. I could tell Julia was working hard and wanting to read so badly, but so far it hadn't all come together for her. After school began, Julia began to bring home little pamphlets from school with short stories for the kids to "read." The kids read them over and over at school, and then brought them home to read to their parents. Julia was thrilled to have something that she could "read" and yet we both knew she had just memorized the words in those little take-home readers. I hate to admit it, but that bothered me. Even though I knew that some children weren't ready to read until age 6 or even 7, I still harbored some worries that maybe Julia wouldn't be able to learn to read very easily or that she would always struggle to learn reading skills.

Last Sunday evening, Julia brought me a stack of easy readers that she wanted me to read aloud to her. As I looked at thebooks, I noticed that they were books that we didn't read often, so I knew she hadn't memorized them. I also knew these books were probably easy enough for her to practice sounding out words. I felt like maybe it would be good for me to gauge how her reading skills were progressing in order for me to be better able to help her learn to read, and so I said, "I think I'd rather listen to you read those to me." She started to whine, "But I can't read, Mama!" So I assured her that I would help out anytime that she needed me to, but that I wanted her to try to read by herself ... at least one of the books in the stack.

There we sat, side by side on the bed ... Julia picked up the first book and read the first page. She went on to read the 2nd and 3rd and 4th pages without missing a single word. She had to ask me for help with one word on the last page. Julia put that book aside and picked up the next one. Again, she read and correctly sounded out each word in the book. It wasn't until Julia read the 3rd book through that she realized she was reading! Then she got so tickled at her success that she didn't want to stop. There wer about 8 of these little books. She read them all to me, and then read them all again! She kept saying, "I'm reading! Hey, you boys, I'm reading to Mama! I can read to you, too!" Of course, the boys, who've only been wanting their sister to read for the past 3 years, began to cheer and raise quite a rucus over Julia's success. We were so excited that it was quite sometime before we had all settled down from the celebration of Julia's reading success. That night, Julia went to sleep with her stack of easy readers held tightly in her arms. I love it!

This week happiness is being able to say that I'm the mother of 3 readers. Now, if I can just get them all raised to be adults who love the Lord with all their hearts, minds, souls and who remember to brush their teeth twice a day, then I'll really feel like a successful mother!

Nate Turns Seven!

2008-11-23T21:31:00.004-06:00

Nate (yes, you read that correctly ... Nathan wants to now be known as Nate) is turning 7 on Thanksgiving Day. We celebrated with a party this afternoon. He requested a CARS party, so that's what he got. Even though normally I prefer to do anything but a character party, this one was actually fun to plan. Nathan came up with a lot of great and creative ideas, and that helped me get into the theme.

As always, the cake is an original creation made by me, with some guidance and assistance of the birthday child. Here are some pictures of our cake creation.

My favorite part of Nate's party was that our friends Stacie and Taylor drove over to attend. They came several hours early and we enjoyed a nice long visit before the party. Here's a picture of Nathan and Taylor playing with one of his new toys.

One quick story about my November baby ... Nathan was born Nov. 27, 2001. That year, Thanksgiving was on Nov. 22nd. The following year, Thanksgiving didn't fall until Nov. 28th. Nathan didn't celebrate his first Thanksgiving until after he turned 1 year old. Even so, I'm always glad the Lord saw fit to allow me to be Nate's momma.

Without Fear (edited version)

2008-11-18T20:58:00.006-06:00

I have this homeschooling friend who recently became a single mother. She wrote about how she was looking for ways to bring in extra money so that she could continue to stay home full time rather than put her children into school and return to work. I read those words and paused for a second, wondering if I had not tried hard enough to figure out a way to continue to be home with the kids. After all, putting the children into school wasn't part of my dream for this life. I wanted to admire my friend for her desire to continue to live her dream. But as I reread the words, I noticed something else there ... FEAR. I realized that she seemed to be fearful ... maybe fearful of the change in her life or perhaps fearful of the public school system.

I know all about fear. I have done many things in my life based on fear, including choosing my college degree. I *knew* what a teacher did and it was comfortable to imagine myself doing the same sort of work. I was fearful of choosing a different career ... what if I failed or didn't like it. And so, I became a teacher. Once I was in the classroom, I didn't really enjoy the work. I love children. I love learning. I do not like attempting to teach a classroom of 25 pupils. And yet, for so long, I was fearful of doing anything else because of the unknown aspect.

I was also fearful of moving away from my hometown ... what if no one else liked me. What if all these people here like me because of who my family happens to be or because we go to church together. And, once I started homeschooling, I was fearful of putting my kids into public school ... for a myriad of reasons. I lived in fear. It wasn't a debilitating fear. I functioned fairly normally. But fears drove my decisions.

During the summer and fall of 2007, I was extremely fearful of Matt leaving our marriage. I tried as hard as I could to keep him from leaving. Looking back, I can see that it was fear that drove how I responded to him. Nothing I did worked, and that great fear came to pass. But ... and bear with me on this because it is hard to explain ... when he uttered those words, "I want a divorce. I want out of this marriage." there was this click in my heart. At that moment, the biggest part of the fear was gone. It didn't totally go away at that moment and there were some times in the months ahead when I was extremely fearful. Yet , at that moment, it was as if in my heart I knew I would survive this. This thing I had been fearing had actually happened and I hadn't fallen over dead. But I also knew that I was going to have swim or I would sink ... so right then and there, in that remote cabin in North Carolina, I made the decision to swim for Paige rather than to sink for Matt.

Let me make one thing clear ... I would have sunk WITH Matt. I would have fought for our marriage forever, with him fighting right next to me. But when he wanted out, when he refused to give me any hope of reconciliation, when he gave up the fight for us, then I began to refuse to sink for him. (I hope that makes sense. It's not a decision that I ever thought I'd have to make. However, we all know that a marriage is made up of two people ... and sadly when one person bails out of the marriage, the other will not be able to keep the marriage floating by themselves.)

Since that time, I've had to make a lot of decisions. I decided to return to work. Six weeks later, I decided to change careers. Last March, I decided to file for the divorce, which was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make. There have been other decisions, but these were the big three. Making decisions has done several important things for me:

1. I've gained confidence in God and in His guidance offered to me. As my trust in Him has increased, my fear has decreased. I don't live in the same kind of unhealthy fear anymore.

2. My decisions have brought about opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Because I returned to work, I put the kids into school ... which has been a blessing to us all in a number of ways. I won't go into all that right now, but all those fears have turned out to be a lot of wasted mental and emotional energy on my part. And yes, for all those with curious minds, I would go back to homeschooling in a heartbeat. Yet, I'm glad for this experience of having my children in school. And if I ever do find myself back home, I know I will appreciate it more and be a better stay-at-home mom because of it.

Because I returned to work, I was able to afford a lot of new furniture ... meaning that now I don't have to sit around on the same sofa I used to sit on with Matt, and I now own the matching bedroom set I always wished Matt would allow us to purchase. Probably best of all, I was able to pay off a lot of debt.

Because I changed careers, I had to begin to work on my Master's degree. It was something I should have done long ago. In fact, there was a time earlier in my life when I had goals of earning a doctorate. I don't think that is still a goal I have at this point, but I'm happy to be continuing my education.

Because I filed for the divorce, all court appearances (from now until the kids are grown) will be in my hometown, on my turf. He will be the one who has to incur travel costs anytime we have to amend our divorce decree, which considering the ages of our children will be likely at least once before they are all grown. By taking the lead, I refused to allow him to call the shots anymore. That may seem insignificant or petty unless you know the entire story. I won't put that all out here, but it is suffice to say that reclaiming a bit of control in a situation like ours isn't an entirely bad thing.

Those decisions were incredibly tough to make, but in the long run each one has helped me to move on in my life, process the grief and begbin to refocus on my blessings. Learning to trust the Lord to help me make decisions has helped me to overcome the fear and to empower myself through Him.

I read an interesting quote tonight: We must give up the life we dreamed of, in order to have the life that is before us.

No ... this isn't the life I dreamed of. I have lost a lot of my dreams. I no longer homeschool. I probably won't have the opportunity to live in a wide variety of places or travel the nation/world with as much ease as I did as a military spouse. I'm a single mom, and it is an incredibly tough job. And yet, I can't sit around moaning about my life now. If I did that, I would not only have lost what I had then, I would be losing what I have now as well.

I know that the Lord does not intend for us to divorce our spouses. I would never ever recommend it to anyone. But it happened and with it my life changed. I could continue to sit in one spot, clinging to the little things I could continue to grasp (like homeschooling). Or I could step out in faith toward God and give myself fully to Him, even though it would mean dramatic changes. I'm glad I chose the latter for even though life today certainly isn't a bed or roses, there is far too much right in my life for me not to embrace it with a heart of thanksgiving.

The thing about life is that it goes on every day. Good days, bad days, dark days ... life goes on. Happy seasons, sad seasons, seasons of confusion ... life goes on. And really, when it boils down to the nitty-gritty day in and day out life, I'm incredibly blessed. Every day I wake up to 3 beautiful children, who cause me to laugh and smile and occasionally pull my hair out. I have a cozy house with a beautiful view, a good job that pays me enough money to cover the bills without having to stress too much. My minivan is able to get me to work and home again every evening. The dog loves me and hates the cat, and the cat loves me and hates the dog ... that in itself reminds me that life is pretty much as it should be. Day in and day out ... life goes on. And, until the day I die, life will go on. So though I can't choose much of what will happen to me while I'm living, I can choose to live this life with a smile and a determination to love those around me. I can choose to enjoy every day, being thankful for the blessings (both big and small) that touch my life. I can choose to wake up every morning and embrace life that day ... even if it is different from all the ones before it. And, through Christ, I can live my life without fear.

Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. (Isaiah 41:8)

I know today is Tuesday

2008-11-14T23:26:00.003-06:00

Last weekend, Julia was given several large bags of clothing by a friend of mine who has twin daughters several years older than Julia. So this past week, she had a glorious time wearing these "new" clothes.

Well, in this bag was probably 50 pairs of little panties. Now, normally I wouldn't probably go for sharing panties ... but these practically looked new and since I knew where they came from I felt okay about letting Julia wear them ... especially considering how enraptured she was with these undies. You see, I only buy solid colors or white panties. I don't typically indulge my girl in underwear with characters or sparklies or other little extras. But these panties had all the bells and whistles. There were glitter panties and sparkly panties and panties with words. There were princess panties and holiday panties. Every kind of panty imaginable! Julia was elated to say the least.

Every morning Julia had to sift and sort her way through the panties, debating over which wonderful pair to wear that day. On Sunday, we ate lunch with my parents after church. Julia was quick to run go show her grandparents her new panties. On Monday the kids were out of school, but I had to work. My parents watched the kids, and again Julia showed off her lovely panties to everyone. That night, we had a serious talk about how panties were private and that she could not show anyone her panties ... no matter how special or beautiful the panties might be.

On Tuesday morning we were running just a bit late. Julia, of course, was in the middle of panty choosing. As she was going through this very slow process, I happened to notice a pair of panties with a Disney character and the word "TUESDAY" written across the front. I grabbed them up and said, "Oh Julia! Look at these! These panties have the word Tuesday written on the front and today just happens to be Tuesday. You definitely need to wear your Tuesday panties today." Julia thought about that for about half a second before she agreed to put them on her little body.

According to Julia's teacher, that morning during the calendar circle the class was trying to figure out which day of the week it was. Julia was the only one who knew. She announced to the class, "Well, I KNOW today is Tuesday because I'm wearing my Tuesday panties!"

Oh, well ... at least she didn't lift up her dress and show them her Tuesday panties!

From the mind of a 5 year old

2008-11-14T23:16:00.001-06:00

Julia has strange tastes in names. Really ... I'm not kidding. Most of the times I can't even begin to pronounce the names she comes up with for her dolls. For example, her Bitty Twins are named Honna (long o) and Sonis (short o). At first, I thought she might have meant to name them Hannah and Sonya, but just didn't pronounce them correctly. No. She's adamant that the names are Honna and Sonis. She also has a doll named Tanfee and another named Rikadill. Truly, I worry over what she might name any future children.

So tonight Julia and I went to pick up some supper from a local restaurant, and stopped in at our local Fred's Dollar Store for some sodas. As we came out, I made a comment about Fred's always being the same old Fred's. (I dislike shopping there, but occasionally I feel the need to step back in and see if I like it any better. Every time I discover that Fred's is the same old Fred's. One day I'll learn.)

Anyway, Julia got confused by my comment and asked to see Fred. So I said, "Fred is a person's name but it is also the name of this store. I don't particularly like the name Fred or this store, so please don't name any of your future babies Fred, okay?"

Julia: But Mama ... What will I name my baby?

Me: Oh, Sweetie, that's the great thing about being a Mama. You get to pick whichever name you like. What name do you like?

Julia: Hmmm ... I'll have to make something up.

Me: Well, not exactly. You could just think about names that other people have that you like the sound of and then you can use those names for your babies when you grow up to be a mommy.

Julia: No. I don't want my babies to have to share their names. I'll just make something up.

Did I mention that I'm really worried about what my future grandchildren might be named?

Nathan's New Recipe

2008-11-13T20:31:00.002-06:00

Nathan has designed a new holiday recipe. He wants to share the recipe so here is how to make his special dish:

Baby Jesus

1 can of crescent rolls
8 hot dogs

Separate the crescent rolls into 8 triangles. Cut each triangle into strips. Wrap the strips around the hot dogs. Bake in the oven according to the crescent roll directions. The hot dog is "baby Jesus" and the strips of crescent rolls are the swaddling clothes. (Nathan actually got his idea from a Halloween recipe he saw in a magazine called Mummy Dogs. He basically renamed it and decided that he wouldn't add the mustard or ketchup dots for eyes as those were kind of spooky.)

We tried Nathan's recipe tonight and it was rather tasty ... even if it was a slightly weird to eat a hot dog Baby Jesus.

2008-11-12T21:51:00.003-06:00

As I was happily anticipating Thanksgiving tonight, I thought I'd share my extended family's unique tradition ... Thanksgiving breakfast.

Each Thanksgiving morning, my dad's extended family hosts a large breakfast. Most years, it numbers between 60 and 75 guests, but in years past we have numbered over 100. We have it in a old rec building (that we affectionately call The Outhouse) that is located behind my grandfather's house. It's got a large stone fireplace at one end and an old wood-burning stove at the other. By the time everyone is present, you can hardly move for all the people standing around.

My dad and his brothers will start cooking at around 5 am, and breakfast is served around 7:30 am. We cook biscuits and bacon on the old wood-burning stove. The rest of the food is cooked in the kitchen in my grandfather's house. We indulge in turkey and ham, grits, scrambled eggs, and other dishes such as fruit salad, breakfast casseroles, cinnamon rolls, etc. It's sort of a potluck as most everyone will bring something to share. You never know just what will be included in the spread of food, but whatever is there tastes wonderful for it is cooked and served with love.

I just love those Thanksgiving mornings ... it's crowded inside The Outhouse, and yet I'm cozy and secure as I'm surrounded by so many people I love. And the smells are wonderfully rustic ... from the fire in the fireplace and the stove to the good foods wafting in the air to the chill that tingles in my nose when I step outdoors. And speaking of the chilly outdoors, that's actually where many of the guests will eat on tables that have been set up for the occasion. It doesn't matter that you can see your breath hanging in the air or that your teeth chatter. We all still head outside with our plates piled high, to sit shoulder to shoulder in the autumn morning coolness. I suppose we've all learned over the years that the hot chocolate tastes better when you are cold, and the best warmth is the one that rushes over your body when you step back inside to fill up your plate with second helpings.

After the guests leave, my family will clean up in just enough time to watch the parade. Later on, some of my aunts and uncles and cousins will move on to other relatives houses to continue their Thanksgiving eating. There are years that I do as well, though usually my parents, siblings and I will have our turkey with cornbread dressing dinner the night before Thanksgiving. Often times I think about how my Thanksgiving is over before others have had time to really get started cooking, much less eating. But then I realize that I've got all day to enjoy parades, football games and naps without worrying about what's burning on the stove!

I'm looking forward to sharing Thanksgiving Breakfast with so many people I love... and thankfully, so are my children. It makes me happy to think that this will hopefully be a tradition that is continued to be passed down through the generations.

Disappointments

2008-11-05T14:13:00.004-06:00

This morning I awoke to the news that we had elected a new president ... not the one I had voted for yesterday. I was disappointed that my candidate didn't win, but also because I knew I would have to break the news to Joel who would be very upset.

As I thought about telling Joel, I was reminded that this life is full of many disappointments. Some of them are the results of our own actions ... consequences that we must pay for making poor choices. Some disappointments come to us by the way of another person's poor decisions. So often we forget that our sins rarely affect only us, because the action ripples out and touches everyone around us. And then there are just some disappointments in life that simply happen, not from the result of sin or poor choices. Life just doesn't always go our way. (As my mother has so wisely said many times, "Life's not perfect, and it's the disappointments here on earth that make us long for the perfection of heaven."

As I prepared my heart for the conversation I knew I would soon have with Joel, I began to think deeper about how some disappoinments for me might give another a reason to rejoice. There are many people in the USA that are celebrating today, joyful over the newly elected president. They do not feel disappointment over the election results. It is the same lesson I learned from play jr. high basketball ... win or lose, when the game is over and a winner is declared, shake hands and say "great game." If you played your best, you have no reason to feel bad that you lost. So because I love my democratic friends and relatives, I cannot allow my own disappointment to ruin their good fortune.

Furthermore, the results of this election should give everyone in this nation reason to celebrate, for we have overcome so much of the damage caused by slavery by simply electing our first black president. The civil rights movement has come so very far over the last 50 years, and we can joyfully acknowledge that with this election.

As you might guess, once Joel woke up he immediately asked about the election results. And, at first, he was disappointed, but not as disappointed as I thought he might be. We were able to talk together about how God is in control even when things we don't like happen, and that we have no reason to feel upset or filled with worry. Joel and I committed to praying for President-elect Obama, just as we prayed for President Bush. We also agreed that we would allow ourselves to feel disappointed today, but after that we will let those feelings go and focus on being good Americans. Finally, Joel said, "Mama, do you remember how you said that you remembered a lot of people in your family didn't want Reagan to be elected, but he was a good president. Maybe it will be the same way with Obama. Maybe he will be a good president, too."

I hope and pray that Joel is right.

16 Things

2008-11-05T06:03:00.003-06:00

Over on Facebook, I was tagged by a friend to share 16 things about myself ... 16 little known things that others might not know about me. After spending way too uch time writing up those 16 things, I decided that I'd share it over here for my family and friends who might not see it on Facebook. Enjoy!

Maybe you know or maybe you don't know that ...

1. I am the oldest child in my family, as well as the oldest grandchild for both sets of grandparents and the oldest great-grandchild for 3 of my 4 sets of great-grandparents.

2. During my marriage to Matt, I moved 14 times in 14 years. Sometimes, it was just a move across town ... but each move still involved packing up every little thing in to a box and then unpacking it on the other end, even if it was just 2 miles up the road.

3. I have lived in 6 states: NC, LA, CA, GA, VA, and TX.

4. In addition, I have visited 15 other states: MS, AL, FL, SC, MD, KY, TN, MO, AR, OK, KS, NM, AZ, WA and OR. I've also visited Washington, DC.

5. Despite all my traveling around with the military, I've never been out of the continental US. However, I have a passport and am definitely willing and ready to travel to a foreign country if ever the opportunity arises.

6. I do not like canned peaches ... not even in cobblers or pies.

7. I used to show lambs as part of my 4-H club experience.

8. I won 1st runner up in the 4-H state egg cookery contest when I was just 9 years old.

9. If you can't tell from the previous two facts, I loved my years as a 4-H'er. Fortunately for me, I'm now working as a 4-H agent. It's a job that I really enjoy ... well, at least most of the time.

10. I don't watch very much TV. In fact, I haven't had my TV at home turned on in over 2 weeks. The last time it was turned on was so that Joel could watch a weather channel special on hurricanes. I'm not so much against TV, as it just bores me.

11. I also don't enjoy watching movies at home. A movie in a theater is ten times better, so if I've got to watch a movie, that's definitely where I want to view it. Even at that, I could probably think of a dozen things I'd rather do than go see a movie.

12. I graduated valedictorian of my high school class. It's not a hard feat when there are only 21 graduates, though.

13. I adore solid black animals. Currently, I have a black dog (Jingle-Belle) and a black cat (Domino). I think it all goes back to when my brother Reid was born ... for some reason, around that time my parents gave me a solid black kitten that I named Kitty-Baby. I loved that cat. Ever since, black dogs and cats make my heart melt.

14. I collect teacups... not teapots or tea sets. Just teacups. I started collecting them when I was around 12 years old.

15. I love to read. I can't go in a bookstore without buying at least one book. My kids have more books than the local library, or so it seems. (Then again, our library is so small that I don't imagine it would be too awfully hard to out book them.) I spend at least half an hour reading aloud to my kids every single night.

Last one ... thank goodness! It was hard to come up with 16 things! So, for #16, maybe you know or maybe you don't know that ....

16. I am nearly debt-free. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working hard on getting that way. I still owe on one small credit card that I hope to have paid off by January 2009, and my mini-van. I'd like to find myself totally debt-free by the end of 2009. It's a goal, anyway.

That's my 16 things!

The God of the Bible

2008-11-02T20:35:00.001-06:00

In Genesis, He's the breath of life

In Exodus, He is the Passover Lamb

In Leviticus, He's our High Priest

In Numbers, the Fire by Night

Deuteronomy, He's Israel's guide

Joshua, He's salvation's choice

Judges, He's Israel's guard

In Ruth, the kinsmen's Redeemer

1st and 2nd Samuel, our trusted Prophet

In Kings and Chronicles, He is Sovereign

In Ezra, He's the true and faithful scribe

In Nehemiah, the Re-builder of broken walls and lives

In Esther, He's Mordecai's courage

In Job, the Timeless Redeemer

In Psalms, He is our morning song

In Proverbs, He is our wisdom

Ecclesiastes, He's the time and season

In Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream

In Isaiah, He is the Prince of Peace

In Jeremiah, the Weeping Prophet

Lamentations, the Cry for Israel

Ezekiel, the Call from Sin

Daniel, the Stranger in the Fire

Hosea, the Forever Faithful

Joel, the Spirit's Power

Amos, the Strong-arms that carry

Obadiah, the Lord our Savior

Jonah, the great Missionary

Micah, the Promise of Peace

Nahum, our Strength and Shield

In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's brings revival

In Haggai, He restores that which was lost

In Zachariah, He's our fountain

And in Malachi, He's the Son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings

AND THAT'S JUST THE OLD TESTAMENT

In Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, He is God and Messiah

In the spirit filled book of Acts, He is the reigning fire from Heaven

In Romans, He is the grace of God

Corinthians, the Power of Love

Galatians, Freedom from the curse of sin

Ephesians, our Glorious Treasure

Philippians, the Servant's Heart

Colossians, He's God and the Trinity

Thessalonians, our calling King

In Timothy, Titus, and Philemon, He's our mediator and our faithful pastor

In Hebrews, the Everlasting Courage

In James, the One who heals the sick

In 1st and 2nd Peter, our Faithful Shepherd

In John and Jude, He's the lover coming for His bride

AND in the Revelation, in the very end, when it's all over, said and done, when time is NO MORE. He is and will always be the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace, Son of Man, Lamb of God, The Great I Am, Alpha and Omega, God and Savior

He is Jesus Christ the Lord...

HE IS EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED!

(I recently saw this posted on a Christian homeschooling message board. I'm not sure who the author is or where to give the credit, but it is a wonderful reminder to me of just what a mighty and amazing God I serve!)

All Dressed Up

2008-11-01T21:49:00.007-05:00

We had such a fun Halloween!

The day started off with a field trip to a local pumpkin patch. Actually it was a church that created a large pumpkin display and offered some fun games, storytelling and other pumpkin activities. The school was taking the K-2 classes, so all 3 of my kids went on this field trip. For that reason, I took off of work so that I could tag along. Here are some of the pictures I took:

Julia's Kindergarten class

Julia with her best friend, Bailey.

Nathan's 1st Grade class (Nathan's grandmother, who he calls KayTee, is his teacher. She's on the back row.)

Nathan with his best pals, Colton and Avery.

Joel's class

Joel with his friend Numan.

Joel with his friend Zavian.

After school, Joel had his hippo-therapy (or horse lessons, as we call them). When Nathan, Julia and I went to pick him up, we discovered Joel painting the horse! Nathan and Julia got in on the act as well. What fun they had giving the horse a new look! You can really say that this is a "paint horse!"

And last, but certainly not least among the day's events, was dressing up to trick or treat. Here's the three of them standing in the yard.

Joel, dressed as Abraham Lincoln. Joel's only wanted to dress up as Abe for the past 3 years. I was worried the costume would look cheap, but it turned out looking really great on him! He kept referring to himself as AL, which cracked me up for some reason.

Nathan was a superhero of his own design. He wore Batman's cape, Superman's shirt, the Flash's helmet, Wonder Woman's red boots, and had green arms like the Hulk (or maybe it was Aquaman). At any rate, he was decked out in the creation that was totally his own. He called himself SuperDude. (Originally, he was called himself Amazo, but a few days before Halloween he changed the name.)

This is SuperDude's hat up close. His mother was frantically working to get this hat created just minutes before it was time to trick-or-treat. After making the hat and painting SuperDude's arms green, poor mom was almost too tired to take everyone trick-or-treating!

SuperDude strikes a pose! What a guy!

Little Miss Julia fell in love with poodle skirts this year. Here she is decked out in her 1950's outfit. She loved twirling in this skirt!

We now have more candy that we can possibly eat. The kids spent most of the day on a major sugar high. I'm going to hide it all tonight so that we can dole it out bit by bit over the next several MONTHS. Really ... we have so much, it should take to next Halloween to eat it all! Santa will not have to spend any money on stocking candy this Christmas!

Forgiveness

2008-10-27T21:02:00.004-05:00

Today Nathan was mad at Joel. Joel had broken Nathan's paddleball, and Nathan turned into Chief Thundercloud with an angry face and an unforgiving heart. My immediate thought was, "Good grief! That silly thing cost less than a dollar. We can certainly replace it." But my next thought was how it was more important for Nathan to learn to forgive his brother.

Forgiveness. I'm learning about forgiveness, too. It's not easy to forgive ... esp. when someone has hurt you and cut you to the very core. I mean, paddle balls are important (esp. to little boys), but infidelities and breaking sacred vows are obviously on a totally different level. How does one even begin to forgive someone for that?

Quite frankly, at this stage in the game I am finding that every day it is a choice for me to forgive Matt. Some days ... more days than I like ... I feel very bitter and angry towards Matt. My heart is like a heavy stone that is unable to be moved. On days like this, I try to remember that I have a choice. I can choose to live life behind the stone, trapped in a tomb of darkness that is as cold as I am bitter. Or I can choose to allow the One who has already moved away the stone that sealed the tomb to move my stone of anger, allowing me to bask in light that contains more joy and peace than I could ever imagine.

It's a choice. Sometimes I have to make the choice to forgive over and over and over again each day. It's a mantra: "I forgive him. I forgive him. I forgive him." Over and over and over in my head, hour after hour after hour, day after day after day. Some days its specific. I forgive him for choosing Secil over me. I forgive him for leaving our children. I forgive him for the ugly emails and the horrible things he said about my character. I forgive him for telling me that I didn't deserve my wedding ring. Sometimes I find myself extending a more general forgiveness to him because the pain he cause me is so layered and complex that one pain is tied directly to another which is the immediate cause of a third and so forth.

It's been a year since that ill-fated NC trip. I returned home with a mind and a heart that was so wrapped up in pain that I couldn't see or think straight. Last fall and winter is a blur to me. I was dead to the grief. And with the spring my heart begin to stir again ... with an anger that burned and raged like nothing I'd ever felt before. Even then, I knew I had to forgive. That's what 2008 has been for me ... a year of learning to forgive.

There is a Sara Groves song about forgiveness, and part of the lyrics read like this:

I will not let that bitter root grow.
I will not let it leave that legacy.
But it gets so hard when the pain is all I see.
Every time I find healing you're making a new mess,
I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.
I could move and never send you a forwarding address,
Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness.

The real meaning of forgiveness ... I'm not there yet, but I'm learning every single day. I hope and pray that at some point in the future, I can honestly say that I have forgiven Matt for all he has done to me and the kids. But for now, forgiveness is certainly a daily, and often an hourly, choice that I make, for I do not want that bitter root to grow in me.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18: 21-22)

Looking at the Issues

2008-10-26T19:22:00.004-05:00

Normally, I am not passionate about politics. I don't care for debating one candidate over the other. This year is different. If you don't care to know who I am voting for and why, please don't read further.

I'm endorsing John McCain. Personally, I'm not republican or democrat. I am a registered independent voter. I vote as the Lord leads me. After carefully looking at some important issues and trying to align the candidates positions with how I feel the Lord would want our leaders to lead, I've decided that John McCain fits that bill the best. I don't think he is perfect. In fact, there are several ways that I disagree with him. But overall, I feel that he best represents my personal beliefs.

Here are some of the issues that are important to me:

1. Education vouchers that all parents to choose public or private school for their children.
McCain: supports
Obama: opposes

2. Sex education for children in kindergarten through 12th grade.
McCain: opposes
Obama: supports

3. Increase federal income tax rates.
McCain: opposes
Obama: supports

4. Appointing judges that will adhere to a strict interpretation of the Constitution.
McCain: supports
Obama: opposes

5. Public funding of abortions.
McCain: opposes
Obama: supports

6. Parental notification of abortions by minors.
McCain: supports
Obama: opposes

7. Legislation mandating health care for infants surviving abortions
McCain: supports
Obama: opposes

8. Allowing adoption of children by homosexuals.
McCain: opposes
Obama: supports

9. Prohibiting public funding for art that is pornographic or anti-religious.
McCain: supports
Obama: oppose

10. Tax credits for purchasing private health care.
McCain: supports
Obama: opposes

11. Tax credits for investment in renewable sources of energy (such as wind, solar and biomass).
McCain: supports
Obama: supports

My source is the 2008 Christian Coalition Voter Guide for the Presidential Election. You an find out more from the Christian Coalition by visiting their website: www.cc.org

Obviously, not everyone agrees with me. I feel confident that my candidate is who best represents my opinions. My prayer is that all voters would take time to research and choose their candidate with much prayer and seeking of the Lord's will.

The Most Dangerous Cake Recipe in the World!

2008-10-11T20:15:00.001-05:00

This is the most dangerous cake recipe in the world.

4 tablespoons flour

4 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons cocoa

1 egg

3 tablespoons milk

3 tablespoons oil

3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)

a small splash of vanilla extract

1 large coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts (high). The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed! Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.

Now it is time to EAT! (Note: this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous.)

And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world? Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

My Dog is Miffed

2008-10-06T22:32:00.002-05:00

Poor Jingle-Belle ... She's one rather put-out pup. Mostly, she has a bad case of hurt feelings and it is all my fault.

Nathan and I went "window-shopping" at a strip mall today, while we were trying to kill some time before his ENT appt. Nathan wanted to go into Pet Smart to look at iguanas because what he "really, really, really wants most of all" is an iguana. I told him that we were definitely only looking and certainly not buying. I kept my word. I did not buy an iguana.

However, I didn't say anything about not purchasing cats.

As my luck would have it, today was the day that the local humane society was showcasing their adoptable cats in Pet Smart. We somehow wandered over (only to look, of course), and wouldn't you know it ... this beautiful black cat simply stole my heart. She's a year old and I hadn't looked at her more than 2 minutes before I knew I was adopting her.

After Nathan's ENT appt, I drove back over to Pet Smart and got the little sweetie. She's loving and relatively calm and just as wonderful as can be... already making herself at home in the house and charming us all with her feline ways. Nathan wanted to name her Domino. I went with it because it was a cute name and definitely better than his next suggestion, Tar Baby. (Can you tell we've been reading some Uncle Remus stories aloud over the past month or so? )

So tonight, everyone is happy ... except for Jingle-Belle. She isn't nearly as taken with Domino as the rest of us in the house. In fact, tonight, Jingle-Belle decided to go sleep outside under the house. I suppose that she got tired of the cat because she asked to be put outside while the kids and I were working on homework and oohing over Domino's every move. Jingle-Belle hasn't yet asked to be let back indoors.

Oh, well ... I'm not going to lose any sleep over my dog's cold shoulder. In fact, I'm about to go cuddle in the bed with my kitty and dream sweet dreams. Maybe in the morning Jingle-Belle will forgive me!

Confused About Holidays?

2008-09-28T17:33:00.003-05:00

Well, then this list is for you! Joel created this list to help us all remember when to begin thinking about, planning for and anticipating yearly events and holidays. I thought it was too cute not to pass along ... esp. the title!

holidays and when to talk about’ em

January 2-January 14 ... Martin Luther King Jr. Day (January 15th)

January 16-Febuary 13 ... Valentines Day (February 14th)

Febuary 15-March 20 ... First day of Spring (March 21st)

March 21-April 1 ... April Fool's Day (April 1st)

April 2- 3 ... My B-day (April 4th)

April 5-May 2... Math Bee (May 3rd)

May 4-June 20... First day of Summer (June 21st)

June 22-July 3... Fourth of July (July 4th)

July 5-July 23 ... Julia's Birthday (July 24th)

July 25-August 15... First day of school (August 16th)

August 17-September 1 ... Labor Day (Sept 1st)

September 2-September 16 ... Mama's Birthday (September 17)

September 18 ... Papaw's Birthday (September 19th)

September 20 ... First day of Fall (September 21st)

September 22-October 30 ... Halloween (October 31st)

November 1-November 8... Poppa's B-day (November 9th)

November 9-26 ... Nathan’s B-day & Thaksgiving (November 27th)

November 30-December 19 .. Aunt Brooke's Wedding (December 20th)

December 20th ... First day of Winter (December 21st)

December 22-23 ... Kaytee's Birthday and Christhmas Eve (December 24th)

December 24 ... Christmas Day (December 25th)

December 26-30 ... New Years Eve (December 31st)

December 31 ... New Year's Day (January 1st)

Of Oppossums and Turtles

2008-09-28T09:39:00.007-05:00

Last night, after a long day of shopping, Brooke, the three kids and I were all traveling back home. It was just beginning to get so dark that we were mostly only able to make out shapes of trees and houses and cars as we drove through the countryside.

Suddenly, I noticed an oppossum ... okay, distracted blogger here, but do I put "an" in front of oppossum since it begins with a vowel or do I put "a" before it since I don't say the initial letter "o" but rather say just "possum?" This is quite a dilemma. Never-the-less, I shall press foreward and continue my story.

So I saw this oppossum about to stroll onto the highway and I sort of squealed because I really thought we were going to hit the little fella. My squeal made Brooke (who was the driver) jump. I quickly apologized and said, "Oh, I'm sorry! I just thought you were about to hit that oppossum back there."

At this time, Nathan pipes up from the backseat of the minivan, "Oppossums are not turtles."

Brooke and I looked at each other and then trying not to laugh said, "That's right, Nathan. Oppossums are not turtles."

For the next 5 or 6 minutes, Brooke and I kept repeating this line in various ways to each other. It was such a strange and funny little statement, esp. for Nathan to have made. I guess eventually I wondered aloud at why Nathan had made such a comment. Brooke said, "I sure don't know. Maybe you should ask him."

So I did ... "Nathan, why did you say that oppossums were not turtles?"

Nathan: "I didn't say that."

Brooke and I, together: "Yes, you did! We heard you!"

Nathan: "No. I didn't say 'oppossums were not turtles.' What I said was 'oppossums were NOCTURNAL.' "

And that point, Brooke and I fell out laughing so hard that she could hardly drive. Naturally! Oh, my ... of course, Nathan (my little animal lover and budding scientist) would have been quick to point out that oppossums are nocturnal. It was just some weird misunderstanding that Brooke and I both heard "not turtles" instead of "nocturnal."

By the way, we are still laughing this morning.

36 birthdays

2008-09-17T14:00:00.006-05:00

Did you know that 36 is a special number? There are all sorts of interesting facts about the number 36, such as:

36 is a square number: 6 x 6 = 36.

36 is a trianglar number because 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 = 36.

36 is evenly divisible by 2, 3, 4, 6 ,9, 12 and 18.

William Shakespeare wrote 36 plays.

There are 36 inches in a yard.

36 is the number of degrees in the angle of all 5 tips in a perfect star.

The fruit fly is frequently used in genetic studies. It normally has 36 bristles.
Mutations may cause it to have more or less. Further breeding after mutations always
brings the number back to 36.

The probability of throwing double six on two dice is one in 36.

A beer barrel is 36 gallons ...not that I do much drinking or anything!

36 is the largest numeric base that some computer systems support because it exhausts the numerals, 0–9, and the letters, A–Z.

Many early computers featured a 36-bit word length.

36 is a perfect score on the ACT.

Yes, 36 is a pretty special number. Today I am officially 36 years old. I'm determined to make this birthday one that is full of joy and peace and anticipation for what wonders the future holds ... if for no other reason than because at 34 and 35 I was a woman who was worried, weary, worn and full of woe. (How's that for good use of alliteration?!) After nearly 2 years of sorrows, I want to celebrate feeling well and wonderful and whole again. It's a good feeling.

One last fact about the number 36 ... it just so happens that 36 is the atomic number for krypton. You know what that means: It's very likely that this is the year I turn into a superwoman! So look out, world! There's a brand-new 36 year old on the loose, and there's no telling what might happen!

I am the Moon ...

2008-09-16T22:24:00.002-05:00

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

(words by Sara Groves)

I heard these words today and the power of them has me continually repeating them in my head. Let this be the cry of my heart: "Oh, Lord ... make me to shine!"

It's official ... I am the world's most clueless mother!

2008-09-10T20:53:00.006-05:00

Nathan's got a great idea. He wants LarryBoy to have a posse of superhero pals called the Veggie Friends ... you know, like Batman is part of the Super Friends group. He's been talking about all these ideas for Veggie Tale inspired superheroes, and drawing up sketches of what they look like and plotting out stories to be made into LarryBoy and the Veggie Friends dvd's. I'm impressed ... after all, Nathan's only 6 years old.

This evening, Nathan was talking to Joel and me about all the Veggie Friend ideas he had: some of the characters were The Green Asparagus (which is sort of like the Green Lantern and could be played by Alfred the Asparagus), Aqua Gourd (which is a spoof of Aquaman and would be the perfect role for Jimmy Gourd ... or Jerry Gourd, cause it is sorta hard to tell the difference), Wonder Carrot (instead of Wonder Woman, and Laura Carrot would be a good one for this role), and Grape Guy (which would be acted out by Pa Grape). He was even telling us how in their first episode the Veggie Friends have to capture the Milk Money Bandit (who is a French pea who has escaped from prison). It was a really exciting adventure and we were all caught up in the retelling of it as Nathan was giving us a dramatic rendition.

During the conversation, I couldn't help but feel that there was something was missing from the Veggie Friends group. After several minutes, it became quite obvious to me that what was needed was for a tomato to somehow be worked in to the Veggie Friends. I mean, could you possibly have the Veggie Friends without Bob the Tomato?! Why, it would be akin to trying to have Sesame Street without Ernie!

So, in my utter cluelessness, I dared to suggest to my son that maybe the Veggie Friends might ought to include a "Bat Bob."

There was an incredibly long moment of stunned silence. The silence was followed by a couple of big, low sighs from both boys.

Then Nathan took a deep breath and said, "I don't think that Bat Bob would work out, Mom. He's just not the kind of superhero I had in mind for Veggie Friends."

Me (again in my totally clueless and unhip mom mode): "Why not? I think Bat Bob is kind of cute."

Boy, was that the wrong thing to say! With those words, I hit a new low of cluelessness.

Joel: "Well, that's just it. Bat Bob is cute. Veggie Friends aren't cute."

Me (in a rather limp voice): "Oh."

Nathan: "Besides, the costume is sort of too big for Bob."

Okay, now that struck me as incredibly funny. So I laughed ... it was just a little laugh, but still a laugh none-the-less. Again, this was the absolute wrong response for any hip and understanding mother to have in a moment such as this.

Two sets of eyes gave me a look ... a look that said, "We weren't intending for that to be funny."

So I stopped mid-laugh and said, "Um ... well ... uh ... Couldn't you just size the costume down a little so that it fit Bob better? I mean, it's just a matter of drawing it to fit on his body, right?"

Again there was silence. Long silence. The boys exchanged looks that seemed to say, "Have you ever seen anyone so clueless? This is really unbelievable that someone could actually be this dumb!"

Then Joel says, "You can't just size down the costume, Momma. It's just the size that it is. And it doesn't fit on Bob. Nathan's tried it. Trust us ... Bat Bob won't work out."

Nathan: "Yeah, Mom. Besides, even if the costume did fit, it still wouldn't work out. Bob's just not superhero material. Sorry, but Bat Bob is no good."

You know, for the first time, it appears that I'm a totally clueless mom. I'm still in shock over my sons' rejection of Bat Bob. Bob the Tomato ... not superhero material?! Why, I thought he would be the superest hero of them all! I guess that just goes to show you how clueless of a mother I really am.

Hopefully, I'm not too clueless on the big things that really matter in this life. (Not that superheros aren't important and all!) Trying to raise boys is a tough thing for this mother. I've never been a boy, and quite honestly, there is a lot of boy stuff I just don't get. In fact, superheros are the least of them! But every morning and every night I pray for God's grace to provide me with an unnatural wisdom for relating to my sweet guys, and in the meantime I'm trust that the Lord will continue to cover over all of my cluelessness.

Boys! I'm sure glad that God gave me my two ... even if by raising them I continue to prove just how utterly clueless I really am.

Joel's Turn ...

2008-09-07T18:43:00.002-05:00

Last week we had a lot of bad weather, including lots of rain and flooding and high winds and tornadoes. All of these things happened because of Hurricane Gustav.

A hurricane is a powerful, whirling storm that starts in the ocean near Africa or sometimes Brazil. Hurricane Season is from June through November. But the 3 most likely months for hurricanes are August, September and October, with September being the worst month for hurricanes to occur. My grandfather said that when he was a boy that they used to call hurricanes "September gales" because they mostly happened in September.

Hurricanes usally start off as a Tropical Depression or Tropical Storm. There are 5 catagories of hurricanes. Catagory 1 hurricanes are the weakest and Catagory 5 hurricanes are the strongest.

Hurricanes are given names by the National Hurricane Center. This helps scientists keep up when there is more than one storm in the ocean. There are 6 lists of names that are used over and over and over. But if a hurricane is really, really bad, then the name is retired and never used again. Hurricanes before 1953 didn’t have names.

Three of the biggest hurricanes to hit Louisiana were Hurricane Audrey in 1957, and Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in 2005. Those hurricane names have been retired.

One of the worst hurricanes ever happened more than 100 years ago. It happened on September 8, 1900 at Galveston, Texas. This was before anyone could predict hurricanes, so no one knew it was coming and no one prepared. That hurricane killed over 8000 people, which makes it the deadliest hurricane of all time. I sure feel sorry for the people who lived in Galveston in 1900. They didn’t know that a bad hurricane was going to come until it was too late to get away from it. Most of them died.

Hurricanes can be scarey. Bad things like floods and tornadoes and severe damage can happen because of hurricanes. But we can be thankful that today we are able to predict hurricanes and follow their path with enough time for us to prepare so that not as many people die.

written by: Joel
Sept. 7, 2008

So Exactly How Bad is Bad?

2008-09-04T20:34:00.004-05:00

This graphic from the Thursday, September 4, 2008 Alexandria Town Talk shows the rainfall in Louisiana from noon on September 2nd through noon on September 3rd. My hometown is in the blue section of the map ... over 10 inches. We've talked to several area farmers who have kept up with the rainfaill totals. Everyone of them had totals close to 16 inches.

Devastation ...

2008-09-03T13:43:00.005-05:00

Devastation comes in many forms. This week it has come to many parts of Louisiana by way of a hurricane named Gustav. And while residents of the gulf coast are not strangers to the havoc a hurricane can cause, but no matter how many hurricanes you might live through it still doesn't lessen the pain the next one can bring.

I don't live on the gulf coast. Here in central Louisiana, we are used to lots of rain and power outages due to hurricane remnants passing through. Gustav's remnants were particularly tough ... tornadoes, flash flooding and other natural disasters have made certain the Gustav is a name we won't soon forget. Here are some pictures from my hometown, which is slightly northeast of Alexandria, Louisiana.

These two houses suffered damage from a tornado. One house totally lost its roof ... and by lost I don't just mean that the roof was totally damaged or taken off of the house. I mean, it is LOST. No one knows where it went. You can see debris in yard, which is the insulation and such. But the shingles and frame are totally missing. I heard the family was inside the house when the tornado hit, and from what I understand everyone emerged unharmed physically. What an amazing blessing!

In my parish, there is wide-spread flooding. Here are some pictures of some of the worst of the flooding, and it is plain to see that the hardest hit were those who had the least resources to begin with.

As I drove around taking these pictures today, I stopped to ask anyone standing around or working if they cared that I was taking pictures. Everyone gave me permission and all asked me if I could use my pictures to send off for help from FEMA. It saddens me greatly that first thought for these people who had lost it all was to turn to our government for help. It's not FEMA's job or Bush's job or Jindal's job or any other government official's job to tend to these hurting people. It is the job of the body of Christ. Somehow, over the years, we have given up the joy and the privilege we have (as servants of Christ) to serve our fellow man ... to help and to give and to encourage. Where are the people who are willing to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the least of these?

As a parent, I know how tough it is to show my children the hardness of this world. I wish I could shield them from it, and so many times that is exactly what I choose to do. But unfortunately, natural disasters and suffering in poverty are part of our fallen world. Today, I'm taking my children right there to the middle of it. I want them to remember Gustav ... not for what they suffered or even for how others suffered. I want them to remember what God did right in the middle of all the yuck ... how even floods and tornadoes can't stop the goodness of God. I want my children to know this: We serve a living God, who wants us to share His amazing love with the rest of the world. We can't do that when we sit at home, watching our TV or playing our video games.

One last picture ... my favorite, too.

What a great reminder! I serve a mighty God, who knew exactly when and where the wind would blow last night, which trees would fall from it and which ones would remain standing. Yes, it is human nature to look around us and see devastation. But what peace to know that God is walking through it with us. What joy there is knowing that even now we can anticipate the wonderful way He will make it beautiful again.

Introducing AMAZO!

2008-08-27T20:33:00.006-05:00

Nathan loves superheroes, so it didn't surprise me when he announced he wanted to be a superhero for Halloween this year. What did surprise me was when he announced he planned to dress up as AMAZO ... a superhero of superheros.

AMAZO is a combination of the SuperFriends superheroes. He has all the powers of all of their super powers, including Batman's intelligence. Naturally, AMAZO wears a costume that contains parts of each of the SuperFriends costumes. For example, AMAZO wears a red mask with yellow lightening bolts just like the Flash, Batman's cape, Superman's shirt with the big S in the middle, Aquaman's green gloves, the Green Lantern's black and green pants and red boots with white stripes like WonderWoman.

It's an amazingly creative costume. I have the proof. Nathan drew me a picture. Now, I'm faced with a challenge ... creating an amazing costume for and amazing 6 year old who has a big desire to be AMAZO, Superhero of superheroes.

2008-08-24T22:43:00.002-05:00

Ruby Gillis says when she grows up, she wants to have a line of beaus on a string and make them crazy for her. I'd rather have ONE in his rightful mind. said by Anne in Anne of Green Gables.

Anne of Green Gables is one of my favorite books, and hands down it is my all-time favorite movie. I've read the book at least 5 times (maybe more) and watched the movie at least one time a year. And yet ...

And yet, tonight, this is the quote that caught my attention. I laughed right out loud when I heard it, rewound to hear it again ... and again and again. For some reason, it just made me giggle.

From time to time I think about dating, but quite honestly the thought of it scares me. Until recently, I couldn't even let myself go to that place ... to think of giving myself emotionally to someone else was just not even something I could force myself to do. Now I can think about it, but find that if I think on it too long I begin to worry about who on this earth could possibly love me that way and what if I make a poor choice in picking a man to spend time with, etc. Truly, I can worry myself into quite a frenzy! So I still don't think on it much. But in my heart I know that there will come a time that I will most likely want to have a dating relationship with some man that I meet.

And while that day might be a long, long way off and I'm not yet even sure of what sort of man I'd hope to meet, one thing is most certain about that man... he definitely must be in his rightful mind. And it wouldn't hurt if he just happened to look a little like Gilbert Blythe as well.

Julia Meets Jindal!

2008-08-22T12:55:00.005-05:00

Last November, our state elected a new governor ... Bobby Jindal. He's a young father, with lots of energy and enthusiasm. Best of all, he is a sincere Christian with a lot of desire to make a difference in our state. In case you can't tell, I am very proud of our newly elected governor.

This past week, I was invited not once, but twice to meet with Gov. Jindal! I was invited to a dinner for 4-H agents at the Governor's Mansion. Sadly, I had to turn down that invitation, as the kids were starting school this week and I already had plans to be away from home one other night. I just didn't feel like it was good timing. I needed to be home and not out hob-nobbing.

The second invitation was to meet with Jindal as he visited in our parish. Turned out that this was the day I had a prior committment to being out of town. Again, I had to turn down the chance to speak with Gov. Jindal. I was very, very disappointed.

But as luck would have it, Julia got to meet Gov. Jindal instead! Kindergarten students didn't have school this week due to individual testing, so a homeschooling friend of mine (Phyllis Jordan) kept Julia. The Jordan family (Phyllis, father David and 9 of their 10 beautiful children) was also invited to meet with Jindal. They took Julia along with them. (I had no idea that she would be going to meet Gov. Jindal that day. In fact, I learned about it that evening after I returned from my 4-H Agents Conference.)

While meeting Gov. Jindal, Julia asked if she could show him a trick. Here are some pictures of Julia showing Gov. Jindal how she can balance a stack of quarters on her arm and then stand on one foot. I was unaware that Julia had this special talent (though I got to view the trick myself last night). Trust me when I say that it is just what I typed ... she stacks up 4 quarters on her forearm and then balances on one foot. I'm sure it is much more difficult for a 5 year old than it would be for a 35 year old!

You can tell Gov. Jindal is a young father because he looks extremely interested by this fascinating trick my obviously talented 5 year old daughter shared with him. :) Too precious for words!

One last picture: The Jordans plus Julia and Jindal ... how's that for a lot of J words?!

So, even though I'm disappointed that I missed out on meeting our wonderful governor, I'm proud as peaches that my little girl got to spend a few minutes with him!

He's Always Been Faithful

2008-08-04T22:15:00.002-05:00

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

Bleeding Green

2008-07-28T07:36:00.004-05:00

I'm about to embark upon my first 4-H camping experience as a 4-H agent. I have been to 4-H camp before ... once as a camper (nearly 25 years ago!) and once as an adult leader (about 10 years ago). Now, I'm experiencing it as an agent, which I'm sure will be a totally different kind of camping experience.

In 4-H lingo, someone who is very into all things 4-H is said to "bleed green." I guess that describes me because in honor of my week at 4-H camp, I had my toenails painted green! (I'll either be the coolest 4-H agent or the goofiest one!) I tried to get the lady who gave me the pedicure to put a tiny four-leaf clover on my first toenail. I even showed her a picture of what I wanted. But she was Korean and didn't speak English ... so I got this cute five-petal flower instead. Oh, well ... I can just imagine it is a four leaf clover!

If you think of me this week, say a prayer ... for cool weather, good sleep and lots of fun!

Our Butterfly Extravaganza!

2008-07-20T13:15:00.010-05:00

Julia is turning five! July 24th is her special day, but we celebrated with a big party this weekend.

Julia chose a butterfly theme for her party. We had a lot of fun planning her party together ... finding pretty pink butterfly plates and putting together some fun goodie bags for her friends to take home. (For example, we put in those straws with the loops because all butterflies need to be able to sip nectar!)

I made Julia a special butterfly cake. It turned out quite cute, despite several near-disasters. At one point, an entire layer broke in half. I had to glue it back together, which caused me to run out of buttercream frosting ... which, of course, meant another trip to the grocery store for more supplies. And when I was putting the final touches on the cake, a bag of purple frosted broke open and fell into the middle of the cake. At that point, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Thankfully, all of the would-be disasters ended positively!

I also bought Julia a W.O.W. dress ... wings of wonder! She looked just like an adorable butterfly just flitting around.

We held the party outside so that all the little butterflies present could flit about in the yard ... playing in the sandbox, drawing with sidewalk chalk, or cooling off under the water sprinkler. At the end of the evening, we lit sparklers and made butterfly trails in the dusky sky. All in all, it was a very good evening. Julia and I felt very blessed that so many special people came out to celebrate with us. Here are a few more random photos from the party for you to enjoy.

What Kind of God?

2008-07-17T22:04:00.005-05:00

Tonight I had dinner with some dear friends. I've known Cindi for as long as I can remember, and met her husband Keith when we were in college (which was more years ago now than I care to admit). We had a really good time together ... laughing and remembering about old times and sharing old stories. It's always good to be with friends like Cindi and Keith, and yet when we parted ways my heart ached worse than it did before our supper.

I felt that aching so much more deeply than I do on just ordinary days because I remember ... I remember what it is like to have someone finish my sentences. I remember tender looks and gentle teasing. I remember small touches to a hand or shoulder. I remember having someone there to help me remember. So now, faced again with what I've lost, I come home to feel the emptiness and the aloneness even more.

As I drove home, I thought about my situation, and before I knew it I found myself wondering what kind of God lets prayers like mine go unanswered. After all, wasn't it God's idea for marriage to last a lifetime? Isn't God against infidelity? Weren't my prayers biblical? I wasn't asking for anything that God didn't already tell us was the best way for us to live.

I can't tell you the number of times I knelt by my bed or just laid out on my bed, weeping to God to work it all out. I must have cried buckets of tears. Over and over, I told God to do whatever it took to save my marriage. And nothing changed ... in fact, it steadily got worse, and less than 6 months after it all began the entire thing was over. I was left standing in a pile of rubble, wondering what was left of the life I was knew. Nearly a year later, I'm still sorting through it all, without an end in sight.

On any given day, I'll honestly tell just about anyone how angry I am with Matt, but that I'm working hard at forgiving him for what he has done to me and to our children because I don't want bitterness to take over my life. All of that's very true.

And yet, if I am really honest, then I have to admit that I'm angry with God, too. I'm hurt that He didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to. I wanted Him to wave a magic wand and grant my every wish ... making my life okay again. And when things didn't work out my way, I got hurt and mad. Quite often, I feel like I'm pouting with God. It's as though I'm some petulant child, wanting Him to see how miserable I am, hoping He will change his mind and come rescue me from this awful situation. In the middle of my pouting, there comes that haunting question ... one so straight from the pit of hell that it still smells like smoke ... "What kind of God would do this to you? Hasn't God been unfaithful to you too?"

But maybe the better question is this: "What kind of follower of Christ would be so unfaithful to God?"

Literally from day one of this terrible time, God has shown His faithfulness to me. I learned of what Matt had done during the wee hours of the night. I stayed in bed most of the next day ... so grieved that I couldn't shower or eat or function. I remember how wet my pillow was from the silent tears that fell, wracking my body with sobs.

I thought about telling someone ... just asking them to pray for us. But I felt like I couldn't share this awful thing with another soul on this planet because I was so mortified by what was happening. I must have told my parents ... I guess I figured they needed to know why I was spending all of my time lying on my bed, instead of tending to my children or helping with housework. And yet, for several days, they were the only ones who knew. I couldn't bring myself to admit my situation to others, even within the Christian community, for fear that others would judge me based on what was happening within my marriage. (Now I wonder how many times others have shouldered awful burdens alone because they didn't want me to judge them.)

That first day just happened to be a Wednesday, and that evening my father brought home the weekly prayer list from church. As he entered the house, he quietly handed that paper to me. There printed at the very top of the page so that it couldn't be missed read these words: Pray for this week's church family: Mr. and Mrs. Matt Thompson. How like God for our names to come up in the alphabetical rotation the very week ... no, the very day ... that we needed prayers the most! God was there, asking for prayers on our behalf when I didn't have the courage or strength to ask for them myself! It still gives me chills to think about it.

I could tell you of all the big and little things that God has done for me and the kids these past 13 months. He had been right in the middle of this awful mess ... calming the storm in me day after day after day. Just as he walked through the fire with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, so he's walked through the fire with me. He's been consistently faithful. I have not. He's never turned his back to me. I've taken that 180 degree turn many times over. He's never forsaken me or left me. He's been there all along ... ever faithful; ever merciful; ever giving; ever loving.

Even without all the blessings bestowed upon me, this question would still remain ... Who am I to question the authority of El Shadday, God Almighty? Who am I to challenge Adonay, Lord and Master, the King of Kings? I must bend my knee to the higher ways of El Roi, God who sees me, knowing that even in my sorrow Yahweh Rophe is my God who heals.

What kind of God is so tenderly faithful to one so unfaithful as me? El Olam, the everlasting and eternal God. He is Yahweh Shammah, the Lord who is there. He tells me that He will care for me as Abba, my Father and Ish, my husband ... He is Yahweh Yireh, the Lord who provides.

He is my God ... and He alone meets my every need.

Bless His Holy Name!

Even though I walk through the valley

2008-07-13T17:28:00.003-05:00

While I believe that God intends for marriage to be for a lifetime and that my current situation isn't in His best plan for my life, I also know that for some reason God didn't stop this from happening to me. I know because I prayed and cried out to Him in my anguish for so long and it happened still. I may never know why God allowed this terrible thing to happen. But I do know this: I'm going to walk this road with continued faith in my Savior, continuing to trust in Him and finding in Him mercy and goodness and peace and love. I'm confident that He will meet all my needs, even while I'm walking through the valley.

Painting Pictures in Egypt

2008-07-11T22:11:00.002-05:00

I recently heard this Sara Groves song and it spoke so loudly to my heart.
The lyrics are posted below if you want to read along while you listen.

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

A Letter to my Daddy

2008-06-24T22:38:00.007-05:00

In thinking about lambs, I remembered an email that I wrote to my dad in October 2005. So this post is in honor of my Daddy, the kind of man and father I hope my boys will grow up to be some day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Daddy,
It's late October, and the weather is chilly and rainy right now. Do you know what I am thinking about? The State Fair. It seemed like every other year it was cold and rainy at the State Fair. On the off years, it was hot and muggy. The weather never cooperated that I recall.

It's been 15 years since I last showed any 4-H lambs ...but I can still smell that livestock barn. I can still hear all those lambs and pigs and people milling about in the dim light. I can picture those washing pens and practically feel how cold my hands would get while washing those lambs. Oh, and I can smell Wool-lite ...I still laugh when I think about us washing our lambs in Wool-lite! I guess in a round about way it makes perfect sense, but it also seems so silly to think about using an expensive laundry soap on a bunch of stinky sheep! To this day I cannot wash clothes in Wool-lite because the smell reminds me of sheep!

I remember having to wake up well before it was light outside to go take care of those sheep. The city was still sleeping, but the show barn was already buzzing with activity even at that early hour. I also remember how you would always treat us to donuts (Shipley donuts, if I remember correctly) at least one morning while we were at the State Fair. Donuts and hot chocolate before dawn ...was there ever a better breakfast?

I thought about that crazy out-of-control lamb that the Crawford girl had to show for me ...you remember the very lamb that bucked and kicked and knocked me down in the ring. I was only 9 and it was my first year to show. She was much older and more experienced than me, and for some reason took pity upon my situation. I remember her switching lambs with me, probably so that I wouldn't get dragged from the ring by the insane lamb. Oddly enough, the lamb placed 3rd in it's division, so we had to go have a picture taken. The crazy thing literally tore up the picture area, kicking up sawdust everywhere and knocking over plants. It probably came as close as a lamb can get to destroying a professional photographer's camera without actually doing it. We laugh about how scared I look in the photo, but is there any wonder as to why?!

Do you remember the lamb that tried to eat an entire bag of feed and had to have his stomach pumped by the State Fair vet? Or the lamb that got away and we had to chase it all over the livestock barn. I'll bet there were 30 grown men involved in the chase before we managed to get that lamb cornered! I thought about how those lambs seemed like such a burden to care for throughout the summer and fall, but when it came time to sell them or butcher them and say goodbye I always cried.

I also recall how you would always walk each of us to the show ring when it was time for our class of lambs to be judged. My stomach was nearly always in a ball of anxious knots. But you walked with us every step of the way, from the pens to the show ring gate. Most of the time, you would even lead the lamb on the halter ...never actually passing the lamb over to us until it was time for us to enter the ring. During the show, you were always ring-side, offering soft words of advice if we needed it or cheering us on with big grins. I remember how you were always standing just outside the ring gate when we came back out of the ring, with encouraging words and smiles ... not matter how badly we might have placed. There was comfort in that because we could trust that every time you were going to be right there.

I just wanted you to know that not only do I remember all of these things, but I treasure them in my heart. I appreciate so much more now what you were trying to share with us then. Thank you for giving me a lifetime of love and memories.

I love you.
Paige

Counting Sheep

2008-06-24T22:07:00.007-05:00

Not long ago, my father came across an advertisement in a country-living magazine for "miniature babydoll southdown lambs." The ad caught his attention because he used to show southdown lambs when he was in 4-H back in the late 50's and early 60's.

My dad loved showing his lambs. I've seen the pictures of his Southdown sheep ... short and woolly. They looked so cuddly compared to the long, lanky, goaty look of the Suffolk sheep I showed when I was a 4-H member.

We talked, my dad and I ... we remembered lambs and showing and the work involved taking care of sheep. My dad wondered what a "babydoll" southdown sheep was, and we guessed that perhaps the miniature babydoll southdowns must be very tiny indeed.

My curiousity got the best of me, after that conversation. I spent an entire day researching babydoll southdowns, as well as other breeds of sheep, on the internet. I gazed at pictures of the sweet lamb faces, and found myself missing the smell of the show barn at the Louisiana state fair. I remembered shearing them and feeding them. It brought back happy memories of special moments shared with my brother and sister and father. And suddenly, I found myself wanting to give that same gift to my children.

It's such a silly idea, and yet I can't get it out of my head. What would I do with a bunch of sheep? It's not like I'd benefit from them. It would mean extra work for me and extra money to pay for their feed and vet bills. What would I do with all that wool? And as far as eating lamb goes ...well, I sobbed through many a lambchop meal as a child.

Crazy as it sounds, for the past two weeks, I've been dreaming of owning a flock of sheep ... a small flock of just 6 or 7 sheep. It's a pipe-dream, I suppose, but perhaps one day it will become reality. Until then, I'm counting sheep when I sleep.

Paper or Plastic? Neither!

2008-06-24T06:30:00.004-05:00

What's wrong with plastic bags? Lots. Every year, nearly one trillion plastic shopping and grocery bags are used around the world. The vast majority are sent to a landfill. They often wind up as litter. They drift into oceans and rivers and kill fish. They can take 1,000 years to decompose. And every time we use a plastic bag, we drive up the demand for oil - which is used to make plastics.

I guess I'm more "green" than I really knew because all of this truly bothers me. For years, I have had boxes and boxes of plastic bags saved from previous shopping trips. I try to line our smaller trash cans with them, or find other purposes. But still, I end up with far too many plastic baggies just hanging out at my house, waiting to end up in the landfill where they will still be sitting long after my great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren have passed from this earth.

But there is a solution: Reusable bags!

Reusable bags are sold everywhere, and estimates show that during its average five year lifetime, a reusable bag can eliminate the need for at least 100 disposable plastic bags. The bags sold at Walmart (for $1 each) are made from 85-percent-recycled content and hold more than twice the amount of an average plastic bag. At the end of their life-span, Wal-Mart will recycle the bags. (I'm not pushing Walmart bags ... I just know more about these particular bags since this is the brand I purchased. Really, any reusable bag is a better option than plastic or paper.)

I began purchasing my bags this past spring. On each trip to Walmart, I'd buy one or two. Now I have about 20 or so of these bags, which is more than enough to pack up all of my purchases when I go shopping. The Walmart bags that I use really do hold an amazing amount of items. I also have found that the bags stand up better in the back of my vehicle, instead of flopping around all over the place like the plastic ones always did.

It's not too inconvenient at all. I just keep the unused bags stored in the packing area of my minivan. Then whenever I shop (whether it is walmart, the local grocery or some other store), I grab a bag (or two or 20) before heading into the store.
I have to admit that sometimes the checkers don't like me bringing bags for them to use. (Oddly enough, Walmart checkers are the worst.) However, I figure the benefits of using my reusable bags far outweight the glaring stares.

I hope that you will consider doing our earth a favor by saying no to both plastic and paper, and yes to resuable bags. It doesn't matter if you choose the bags Walmart sells or some other resuable bag. Just do it ...

Changing the Heart of a Pharisee

2008-06-23T21:40:00.004-05:00

Lately I've been wondering if I make a good Pharisee. It's not at all who I want to be, but I do wonder if perhaps it may be who I actually am.

In my quest for a deeper relationship with Christ, I often find myself striving to check off things as if just doing them will bring me extra favor with God.

Daily Bible reading ... check.
Prayed for others ... check.
Thanked God for something ... check.
Prayed before my meals ... check.
Read a Bible story with the kids ... check.
Listened to Christian music ... check.

I find that often I am judgemental of others, comparing my own checklist to their checklist. If I sense that the other person has more items checked, then I begin to scramble to figure out how I can add more to my own checklist of things to do. After all, the more I do, the more God loves me ... right? And if others aren't meeting up to my standards (because, after all, it is my attitudes and standards that I'm so diligently enforcing), then they can't possibly be as good as me. :(

Truly, this attitude of mine is such a backwards way of looking at things! It makes me sad to realize that so often I treat God this way. How can I possibly win His favor? I don't deserve it ... never have and never will. Amazingly, God simply chooses to bestow His lavish mercy upon me.

Lord, break my heart. Mold me to your ways. Please ... help me to change my pharisee attitudes and give me a heart that mirrors You so that when others look at me they are looking at You. Amen.

Thoughts on growing up

2008-06-21T21:43:00.004-05:00

I spent the week away from my kids, and when I returned it seemed that Joel had shot up another 2 inches. He just looked so tall and lanky. He sat down next to me and we actually had a conversation ... you know, one of those give and take conversations that you might have with a friend. I wondered who this child was ... that boy who sat there next to me on the sofa, talking about making movies and writing scripts and dreaming of his future. It's so strange to think that not-so-very long ago, this same boy was my tiny first-born baby. I remember his small baby hands curled tightly around my finger, and I recall how it felt to rock that precious baby in my arms.

When I came home yesterday, I noticed that Nathan's two front teeth have grown in quite nicely. It's hard to even tell that they are shorter than his other teeth for the new front teeth fit so nicely in his mouth. And yet, I miss that snaggle-toothed grin already! He wore his new LSU baseball cap today, and it gave him such a "big boy" look. I felt that I hardly recognized him, even though his blond hair and dimpled cheeks are as familiar to me as ever. In the not-so-distant past, I remember that smiley baby boy with the pudgy thighs and the ready laugh ... how I loved to feel his head snuggled on my shoulder as I sang him to sleep. Tonight, as I kissed him goodnight, he told me that he wished he was ten years old. He said that growing up took too long and sometimes he thought he would never be ten. I didn't tell him, but ten is coming far too fast for me!

And Julia ... little Julia. This afternoon she asked me if a baby can stay a baby forever. When I answered that all babies eventually grow up, she cried big tears that left a large damp place on my shoulder. As she wiped her tears away with a sniffle, she said that she didn't want to go to college or get married or ever grow up at all. She just wants to live with me forever and always be my little girl. I rocked her for the longest time, smoothing her hair and kissing her cheek and cherishing the moments holding her again as those moments are growing farther and farther apart. I know that on some future day not too far away, I'll remember the little girl standing on the stool next to me as I cooked. And I'll miss those precious times, just as much as I wish that it wasn't a requirement for babies to grow up.

Oh, yes ... my kids are growing up, and tonight I wish it wasn't so. A thousand days must have quietly slipped passed while they were so small. I remember them well ... diapers, snacks, sippy cups, laundry, meals, picking up toys, and more diapers, snacks and sippy cups in a seemingly never-ending cycle. Somehow it felt like those tiny people would never be tall enough to reach the sink or fix their own sandwich. And then today it hit me when I woke from a 2 1/2 hour nap that no one needed me during that time. No one asked me for a drink because everyone can do that for themselves. No one woke me up to get me to put on their favorite movie because everyone knows how to work the DVD player. No one needed help going to the potty or getting a snack. And while I know that I am still very much needed by my children and that in many ways the most important part of parenting still lies ahead, I realized today just how much my babies have grown.

Parenting is so very bittersweet. The greatest pleasure of my life has been watching my children grow and learn. I've loved watching their personalities develop. Each stage, no matter how much I detested it in the midst of it, has been missed when it has finally passed. Each milestone reached has been worth noting and celebrating. And yet, so often I find that it is hard to let go and that all I want to do is stop the clock of time from moving so darn quickly!

Tonight, with tears in my eyes, I find myself wanting to cling tightly to each day and to live fully in every moment with my children while they are children for, as I've heard said time and time again, the days are long but the years are short.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

2008-06-14T22:01:00.004-05:00

I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord."
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

~Lamentations 3:17-23

Cardboard Testimonies

2008-06-13T06:04:00.003-05:00

A friend shared this youtube video with me. Less than 30 seconds into watching it, I had tears streaming down my face.

My cardboard testimonies:

Born a sinner and destined to spend eternity in hell; Redeemed through Christ's infinite mercy now will spend eternity with Him.

Three years of infertility; three babies in less than three and a half years.

Loss of a marriage and a lifetime of dreams ... still trustfully waiting to see how God will bring beauty from these ashes.

The love and grace of God is overwhelming. That He would take someone like me and love me as I am is simply astounding.

I would love to know and rejoice in your cardboard testimony. I hope that if you have one that you will share it with me. If not, then I would love to have the opportunity to tell you more about the amazing grace and love of Jesus Christ.

The Dancing Queen

2008-06-08T09:20:00.010-05:00

June 7th was a special day for J4. It was her first dance recital, and she did an outstanding job. She performed 3 routines: a ballet, a tap and the finale.

She danced so well in all 3 of her dances, but you could tell she especially had fun dancing the tap routine. It was called "Shake Your Tail Feathers." I have to admit that I was a bit worried about the title of the routine, but it turned out to be mostly just the little girls shaking a feather boa and doing "the twist." Very cute!

J4's ballet routine was called "I Dream of You." They danced with baby dolls. It was just a precious little dance number. I especially liked the pictures of J4 doing that dance routine.

The finale included all the dancers from the dancing school. J4 had a great time skipping up the center aisle and then twirling on the stage with about 60 girls. She was obviously having the time of her life.

I have to say that I think J4 was THE BEST DANCER ... however, I never took my eyes off her to even begin to see how she might compare to the others. Fortunately, everyone else seated around me (my parents, my sister, my aunt and the boys) totally agreed with me.

As for J4 ... well, she just ate up being on stage. She's never really been on stage before and I was a bit apprehensive about how she might respond to the bright lights and big crowd. She wasn't the least bit concerned about it. At the end of the finale and awards, J4 didn't want to come off the stage. And when I was trying to change her clothes, she didn't want to take off her little costume. I think she rather enjoyed her time in the limelight. After yesterday's recital, I think it is safe for me to continue to make room in the budget for J4's dance lessons.

Enjoy the pictures of my little dancer!

Pieces

2008-06-01T21:55:00.003-05:00

It's been nearly a year since my life dramatically fell apart. Since that time, I've often thought or even said that my life was "shattered" or that I was trying to "pick up the pieces." Not an hour goes by that I don't in some way think about all those shattered pieces ... wondering if there is anyway to put all the pieces of my life back together again, so that I feel whole and useful and unbroken once more. The cracks and chips and missing parts bother me greatly, and most of the time I feel so ashamed of me in this current state.

Pieces ... that word alone goes a long, long way to describing how my life feels. It's been defining me for almost a year.

A couple of days ago I read a blog that is written by the wife of a successful Christian artist. Back in April, this woman gave birth to a stillborn baby girl. I've never been in her shoes and I pray that I never ever have to experience the tragedy of losing a child. However, I'm quite sure that her life feels shattered into a million different pieces, and I do know how it feels to look at all the broken parts and wonder if they can ever be put back together enough to be of any use again.

Her beautiful essay on be broken and shattered speaks loudly to my heart. For you see, God is picking up all the pieces and putting my life back together again, too. Each day I look at myself and see how I'm beginning to heal. I still don't like all that I see, for mostly I end up noticing the very visible cracks and imperfections. They bother me because I want to feel whole again. But amazingly God says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I encourage you to read this inspiring blog for yourself: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/05/past-and-pitcher.html

As for me, I'm going to break a teacup, scoop up the pieces and spend some time with God ... weeping, gluing and remembering. And I'm going to be thankful for the cracks in my life because through them Christ's love is able to seep out of me and into my little corner of the world.

Less Like Scars

2008-05-29T22:22:00.004-05:00

My sweet friend, Elysa, shared this youtube video with me. It's Sara Groves singing "Less Like Scars." If this song doesn't perfectly define this past year for me, then I don't know what does.

I hope this blesses you as much as it has blessed me tonight. (I'm copying the lyrics below in case you want to read them as you listen.)

LESS LIKE SCARS by Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

And more like
Character

Summer Adventures begin ...

2008-05-24T14:13:00.002-05:00

School is already out for the summer vacation. The boys are excited about that, though I'm not sure what wonderful adventures they have planned for themselves. N6 calls himself a "Firstergardener" since he is already through with kindergarten (and therefore no longer a kindergartener) but not yet in the first grade (and so officially not yet a first grader). J8 says that he is a First/Second Grader. It's all rather confusing!

J4 is looking forward to beginning Kindergarten next fall. Hard to believe that I'll have children in 2nd, 1st and Kindergarten ... all back to back grades! I'm already praying for how I'll manage when they are in high school.

Some of our summer activities and plans include: Summer Reading Program at the Library (and J8 hopes to volunteer there again this summer as he really liked organizing the books on the shelves last summer), FBC Boot Camp (a weekly kids' program that our church offers), VBS, swimming in Aunt S's pool and lots of other things. J4's dance recital is June 7th and sometime in July she will attend a cheer day camp (which she is totally excited and thrilled about). I'll have to throw in a week at 4-H University on the LSU campus and another week at 4-H camp. Fortunately, my parents are able and willing to stay with the kis during those times.

As you can see, it is shaping up to be a busy summer. I'm sure before we know it, summer will be drawing to a close and we'll be scrambling to buy school supplies and clothes. I believe school starts again on August 15th.

Happy summer!

Math Bee Winner

2008-05-13T22:07:00.003-05:00

I am the proud mother of a math champion! J8 is the school district's 1st grade Math Bee Champ!

On May 2nd, J8 represented HES in the parish Math Bee. He was a little nervous that morning. But as he sat and watched the 3rd grade competition, he realized that he knew all of their math problems. Then he watched the 2nd graders compete and again realized that he could answer all of those math problems as well. So by the time the first graders were called to the stage, J8 was practically dancing out of his skin.

Sure enough, he got every problem correct on the stage. There were 5 students left, so they all went back to take a timed test. Whoever worked the most problems in 1 minute would be declared the winner. I wasn't sure how well J8 would really do on a timed test. I knew he would know the answers, but would he stop daydreaming, humming and tapping his pencil long enough to write them down?

Apparently so, for when the winners were announced, J8 was the first grade champion! I extremely proud of him, for when it comes to math, J8 is definitely not his mother's son.

Six Year Old Boys and Fairies

2008-05-13T21:59:00.005-05:00

N6's been in the business of losing teeth ... so much so that the tooth fairy has been a frequent visitor in our home. I guess all that teeth losing/tooth fairy excitement rubbed off on J4.

One recent morning, J4 decided that she was a fairy. She was flitting around the house, cheerfully annoying everyone else, while we busily tried to get ready for the day ahead. After a while, N6 had had enough. He turned to J4 and said in a grumpy way, "I wouldn't want to be a fairy! Fairies are just insects."

Of course, J4 was devasted and immediately began to protest. But N6 stood his ground. With his hands on his hips, he said, "Fairies are too insects! All insects have wings. Ladybugs have wings ... insect. Dragonflies have wings ... insect. Grasshoppers have wings ... insect. Fairies have wings so it must be an insect."

So perhaps his logic is off just a bit ... I still thought it was a pretty good arguing point for a 6 year old.

Deceptively Delicious

2008-03-03T22:02:00.001-06:00

I recently bought the book Deceptively Delicous by Jessica Seinfeld (wife of comedian Jerry Seinfeld). Let me just say, I'm practically giddy over the results I've had with getting my EXTREMELY picky child (J7) to eat veggies without even knowing it.

Jessica talks about adding veggie and fruit purees to everyday kid fare ... thus deceiving your kids into eating food that is good for them. I knew that in theory this could work and had even thought of it a time or two, but I was still very cautious and unsure that it could work for my children (esp. J7 with all of his weird food issues). However, it is working quite well and not one of my children is wise to my plan. For example, the past few days I've been hiding carrots and squash in my children's much-loved ketchup ... which tonight J7 actually ate by the spoonfuls, obviously oblivious to my sneaky add-ins. (I love the part where he is "obviously oblivious" ... I'm discovering that there are times when deception can be wonderfully fun!)

Okay, enough of my shameless plug for this cookbook. Like I mentioned, I'm practically giddy with joy!

4-H Ice Cream!

2008-03-03T21:13:00.005-06:00

Louisiana 4-H is 100 years old! It all began in 1908 in rural Avoyelles Parish where 4-H in our state began with a Corn Club. Today, Louisiana is one of only a few states where 4-H is a co-curricular activity and is present in every parish. For 100 years Louisiana’s youth have been given opportunities to become positive, productive, capable and compassionate citizens in their communities through the largest youth organization in the world known as 4-H.

So in honor of the centennial birthday celebration, Blue Bell ice cream has a special 4-H flavor! How wild is that?!? It is call Centennial Cupcake, and is a cake batter flavored ice cream with bits of yellow cake, chocolate icing and four-leaf clover sprinkles mixed right into the ice cream. And let me just say for the record that it tastes pretty awesome! (Of course, those of us with any sense already know that Blue Bell makes the very yummiest ice cream ... by far!)

For those of you in Louisiana, be sure to buy it when you see it in your stores. A portion of the sales of Blue Bell's Centennial Cupcake flavor will be used to promote 4-H educational programs!

J4's New Hairdo

2008-03-01T21:48:00.006-06:00

J4 had longish hair. It was slightly past her shoulders, so that it was a nice length for a ponytail, but not too long if left down. This was the way I kept her hair ... the way I liked it just as soon as she had enough hair for me to start pulling up. She loved bows and ponytails and pigtails just as much as I loved playing with her hair. We were both happy ... or so I thought.

Then she turned 4 and something happened. Suddenly, little miss J4 didn't want me pulling her hair up into ponytails. She would take out barrettes. She stopped being as cooperative when I was trying to brush her hair. That hair was always hanging in her face and getting things (like food or playdough) in it. Washing it was a chore too.

So, I had it cut. I was nervous that I wouldn't like it short, but I think it is quite cute. I was even more nervous that J4 wouldn't like it. But it turns out that J4 loves her new bob, too (even though she isn't smiling in these pictures). When Pam (our beautician) twirled J4 around to look in the mirror the first time, she squealed and put her hands up to her face and gasped, "Oh, my goodness! I look great!"

These pics were taken the night she was in the Miss Paw Princess beauty pageant to support the local schools. Even though she didn't take home the crown, I thought she was incredibly cute ... esp. sporting that cute new hairdo.

The Precious Princess

2008-01-23T18:43:00.000-06:00

Here she is ... Miss J4! My one and only little girl.

J4 is all sugar and spice. She has definite flair for dressing. Feathered boas, crowns, butterfly wings, ribboned hats and sequined Mardi Gras masks are among of her favorite accessories. She loves having her nails painted, and thinks that you aren't fully dressed unless you have on at least one piece of jewelry.

J4 has an active imagination. She loves to act like a ballerina or a cheerleader. She often pretends to be a mommy or a babysitter with her baby dolls. And if you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, she will probably answer a fairy or a Care Bear.

I love my wonderful and amazing boys, but I am so glad that I also get to be the mommy of my precious little girl.

Big, Brave Boy

2008-01-23T18:33:00.001-06:00

Why would this picture of my sweet J7 drinking water from the garden hose remind me of bravery? It would be because it took great courage for him to put his face near the water to sip of its coolness.

J7 has Asperger's syndrome. Children with this condition often lag behind in motor skills (both gross and fine), and frequently have sensory issues such as feeling overwhelmed by conditions that the rest of the world would sense as normal. Often, J7 wants to do something, but it is harder for him than it is for most other kids his age. And yet, time and time again he is willing to leap out of his comfort zone and do the very thing that brings him fear or discomfort.

This past year, J7 has done many surprising things. He learned to ride his two-wheeler. He overcame fear of bouncing balls to play on a basketball team. He took swimming lessons despite a major aversion to water. And, perhaps his biggest accomplishment of all, he rode down the zip line at the house of a family friend.

I cannot think of a braver soul than my oldest son.

Mr. Charming

2008-01-23T17:15:00.000-06:00

This is my middle child (N6). He's been charming me with his dimples since he was about 10 seconds old. Now he is charming me all over again with his new snaggle-toothed grin. Of course, those gorgeous baby blues only pour on the extra charm! (I try not to be partial, but I do think he is one handsome kid.)

N6 has an infectious laugh and a fun (if not sometimes wacky) sense of humor. He is wildly dramatic at times and quick-witted for such a young guy. But my favorite thing about N6 is that he is simply the best encourager around.

Inspiring ENOUGH quotes

2008-01-23T08:07:00.000-06:00

These are a couple of quotes I've come across this year as I've contemplated always having ENOUGH in God.

In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us- that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. – The Ragamuffin Gospel

All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with Your love. And all I have in you is more than enough. –Chris Tomlin

Friendships

2008-01-23T06:26:00.000-06:00

One of the things that I've felt was lacking in my life over the past year was a friend in close proximity. Thanks to the wandering military lifestyle that my family lived over the past 6 1/2 years, I've got many close friends. Unfortunately, they are spread out all over this great nation.

For the past several months I'd been discussing with the Lord on a regular basis about my lack of nearby friends. I couldn't fathom how He (the Lord of all creation and the inventor of friendships) was going to solve my problem. There just didn't seem to be anyone around to fill the position. It's isn't just everyday that new folks move into a farming community with a population of just over 500 that is located 45 miles from the nearest Walmart. I may have even told God that I didn't see any viable solutions to my situation.

And then, God in his goodness, began to show me what my eyes were failing to see. I was, in fact, already surrounded by friends.

my former fourth grade teacher
an elderly prayer warrior from church
a co-worker twenty years my senior
the 80 year old Southern bell who lives next door and regularly invites me over for tea
the church choir director
the librarian

I was so busy looking for another 30-something year old mom that I nearly missed all of the wonderful nearby friends that were loving me all along!

But my gracious heavenly Father wasn't through yet. He placed new friendships before me too ... the pastor's wife who loves to scrapbook just like me, and a coal black Christmas puppy who spends her evenings curled up at my feet making me feel more than loved. Yes, even in tiny towns where no one ever moves, God can bring new friendships. I'm glad He does because I think friendships are one of his finest creations.

God is so good. He sees to it that my cup always runs over with His blessings.

Enough

2008-01-23T05:54:00.001-06:00

Enough is my word for 2008.

So often I feel like I don't have ENOUGH of anything. There's not enough time or enough money. I don't have enough energy or enough patience. Perhaps I won't have enough ability to do my job well, or what if I don't have enough within me to be able to manage my kids, my job and my home well. It seems I always feel like I don't have ENOUGH of something.

And yet, the Bible teaches me that in Christ alone I will always have MORE THAN ENOUGH.

The definition that my dictionary gives for enough is "equal to meet the needs." How many times in the Bible are there stories of God abundantly providing much more than is necessary to meet the needs? When Jesus feed the 5000 with 2 fishes and 5 loaves of bread there were 12 baskets of leftovers! Or how many times is God's faithfulness demonstrated in providing consistently exactly what was needed exactly when it was needed? The Isrealites wandered the in the wilderness for 40 years, eating manna that they collected fresh every morning. It only lasted long enough for just one day, and yet each morning they had a fresh supply to get them through another day.

In my heart, I know that God will always give me exactly what I need, when I need it. I will never be lacking when I trust in Him. I just simply need to train my head to believe it as well so that I don't waste time fretting over not having ENOUGH.

ENOUGH is my word for 2008. This year I am trusting God to provide me with more than ENOUGh of everything I need.