Thoughts on growing up

I spent the week away from my kids, and when I returned it seemed that Joel had shot up another 2 inches. He just looked so tall and lanky. He sat down next to me and we actually had a conversation ... you know, one of those give and take conversations that you might have with a friend. I wondered who this child was ... that boy who sat there next to me on the sofa, talking about making movies and writing scripts and dreaming of his future. It's so strange to think that not-so-very long ago, this same boy was my tiny first-born baby. I remember his small baby hands curled tightly around my finger, and I recall how it felt to rock that precious baby in my arms.

When I came home yesterday, I noticed that Nathan's two front teeth have grown in quite nicely. It's hard to even tell that they are shorter than his other teeth for the new front teeth fit so nicely in his mouth. And yet, I miss that snaggle-toothed grin already! He wore his new LSU baseball cap today, and it gave him such a "big boy" look. I felt that I hardly recognized him, even though his blond hair and dimpled cheeks are as familiar to me as ever. In the not-so-distant past, I remember that smiley baby boy with the pudgy thighs and the ready laugh ... how I loved to feel his head snuggled on my shoulder as I sang him to sleep. Tonight, as I kissed him goodnight, he told me that he wished he was ten years old. He said that growing up took too long and sometimes he thought he would never be ten. I didn't tell him, but ten is coming far too fast for me!

And Julia ... little Julia. This afternoon she asked me if a baby can stay a baby forever. When I answered that all babies eventually grow up, she cried big tears that left a large damp place on my shoulder. As she wiped her tears away with a sniffle, she said that she didn't want to go to college or get married or ever grow up at all. She just wants to live with me forever and always be my little girl. I rocked her for the longest time, smoothing her hair and kissing her cheek and cherishing the moments holding her again as those moments are growing farther and farther apart. I know that on some future day not too far away, I'll remember the little girl standing on the stool next to me as I cooked. And I'll miss those precious times, just as much as I wish that it wasn't a requirement for babies to grow up.

Oh, yes ... my kids are growing up, and tonight I wish it wasn't so. A thousand days must have quietly slipped passed while they were so small. I remember them well ... diapers, snacks, sippy cups, laundry, meals, picking up toys, and more diapers, snacks and sippy cups in a seemingly never-ending cycle. Somehow it felt like those tiny people would never be tall enough to reach the sink or fix their own sandwich. And then today it hit me when I woke from a 2 1/2 hour nap that no one needed me during that time. No one asked me for a drink because everyone can do that for themselves. No one woke me up to get me to put on their favorite movie because everyone knows how to work the DVD player. No one needed help going to the potty or getting a snack. And while I know that I am still very much needed by my children and that in many ways the most important part of parenting still lies ahead, I realized today just how much my babies have grown.

Parenting is so very bittersweet. The greatest pleasure of my life has been watching my children grow and learn. I've loved watching their personalities develop. Each stage, no matter how much I detested it in the midst of it, has been missed when it has finally passed. Each milestone reached has been worth noting and celebrating. And yet, so often I find that it is hard to let go and that all I want to do is stop the clock of time from moving so darn quickly!

Tonight, with tears in my eyes, I find myself wanting to cling tightly to each day and to live fully in every moment with my children while they are children for, as I've heard said time and time again, the days are long but the years are short.