Without Fear (edited version)

I have this homeschooling friend who recently became a single mother. She wrote about how she was looking for ways to bring in extra money so that she could continue to stay home full time rather than put her children into school and return to work. I read those words and paused for a second, wondering if I had not tried hard enough to figure out a way to continue to be home with the kids. After all, putting the children into school wasn't part of my dream for this life. I wanted to admire my friend for her desire to continue to live her dream. But as I reread the words, I noticed something else there ... FEAR. I realized that she seemed to be fearful ... maybe fearful of the change in her life or perhaps fearful of the public school system.

I know all about fear. I have done many things in my life based on fear, including choosing my college degree. I *knew* what a teacher did and it was comfortable to imagine myself doing the same sort of work. I was fearful of choosing a different career ... what if I failed or didn't like it. And so, I became a teacher. Once I was in the classroom, I didn't really enjoy the work. I love children. I love learning. I do not like attempting to teach a classroom of 25 pupils. And yet, for so long, I was fearful of doing anything else because of the unknown aspect.

I was also fearful of moving away from my hometown ... what if no one else liked me. What if all these people here like me because of who my family happens to be or because we go to church together. And, once I started homeschooling, I was fearful of putting my kids into public school ... for a myriad of reasons. I lived in fear. It wasn't a debilitating fear. I functioned fairly normally. But fears drove my decisions.

During the summer and fall of 2007, I was extremely fearful of Matt leaving our marriage. I tried as hard as I could to keep him from leaving. Looking back, I can see that it was fear that drove how I responded to him. Nothing I did worked, and that great fear came to pass. But ... and bear with me on this because it is hard to explain ... when he uttered those words, "I want a divorce. I want out of this marriage." there was this click in my heart. At that moment, the biggest part of the fear was gone. It didn't totally go away at that moment and there were some times in the months ahead when I was extremely fearful. Yet , at that moment, it was as if in my heart I knew I would survive this. This thing I had been fearing had actually happened and I hadn't fallen over dead. But I also knew that I was going to have swim or I would sink ... so right then and there, in that remote cabin in North Carolina, I made the decision to swim for Paige rather than to sink for Matt.

Let me make one thing clear ... I would have sunk WITH Matt. I would have fought for our marriage forever, with him fighting right next to me. But when he wanted out, when he refused to give me any hope of reconciliation, when he gave up the fight for us, then I began to refuse to sink for him. (I hope that makes sense. It's not a decision that I ever thought I'd have to make. However, we all know that a marriage is made up of two people ... and sadly when one person bails out of the marriage, the other will not be able to keep the marriage floating by themselves.)

Since that time, I've had to make a lot of decisions. I decided to return to work. Six weeks later, I decided to change careers. Last March, I decided to file for the divorce, which was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make. There have been other decisions, but these were the big three. Making decisions has done several important things for me:

1. I've gained confidence in God and in His guidance offered to me. As my trust in Him has increased, my fear has decreased. I don't live in the same kind of unhealthy fear anymore.

2. My decisions have brought about opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Because I returned to work, I put the kids into school ... which has been a blessing to us all in a number of ways. I won't go into all that right now, but all those fears have turned out to be a lot of wasted mental and emotional energy on my part. And yes, for all those with curious minds, I would go back to homeschooling in a heartbeat. Yet, I'm glad for this experience of having my children in school. And if I ever do find myself back home, I know I will appreciate it more and be a better stay-at-home mom because of it.

Because I returned to work, I was able to afford a lot of new furniture ... meaning that now I don't have to sit around on the same sofa I used to sit on with Matt, and I now own the matching bedroom set I always wished Matt would allow us to purchase. Probably best of all, I was able to pay off a lot of debt.

Because I changed careers, I had to begin to work on my Master's degree. It was something I should have done long ago. In fact, there was a time earlier in my life when I had goals of earning a doctorate. I don't think that is still a goal I have at this point, but I'm happy to be continuing my education.

Because I filed for the divorce, all court appearances (from now until the kids are grown) will be in my hometown, on my turf. He will be the one who has to incur travel costs anytime we have to amend our divorce decree, which considering the ages of our children will be likely at least once before they are all grown. By taking the lead, I refused to allow him to call the shots anymore. That may seem insignificant or petty unless you know the entire story. I won't put that all out here, but it is suffice to say that reclaiming a bit of control in a situation like ours isn't an entirely bad thing.

Those decisions were incredibly tough to make, but in the long run each one has helped me to move on in my life, process the grief and begbin to refocus on my blessings. Learning to trust the Lord to help me make decisions has helped me to overcome the fear and to empower myself through Him.

I read an interesting quote tonight: We must give up the life we dreamed of, in order to have the life that is before us.

No ... this isn't the life I dreamed of. I have lost a lot of my dreams. I no longer homeschool. I probably won't have the opportunity to live in a wide variety of places or travel the nation/world with as much ease as I did as a military spouse. I'm a single mom, and it is an incredibly tough job. And yet, I can't sit around moaning about my life now. If I did that, I would not only have lost what I had then, I would be losing what I have now as well.

I know that the Lord does not intend for us to divorce our spouses. I would never ever recommend it to anyone. But it happened and with it my life changed. I could continue to sit in one spot, clinging to the little things I could continue to grasp (like homeschooling). Or I could step out in faith toward God and give myself fully to Him, even though it would mean dramatic changes. I'm glad I chose the latter for even though life today certainly isn't a bed or roses, there is far too much right in my life for me not to embrace it with a heart of thanksgiving.

The thing about life is that it goes on every day. Good days, bad days, dark days ... life goes on. Happy seasons, sad seasons, seasons of confusion ... life goes on. And really, when it boils down to the nitty-gritty day in and day out life, I'm incredibly blessed. Every day I wake up to 3 beautiful children, who cause me to laugh and smile and occasionally pull my hair out. I have a cozy house with a beautiful view, a good job that pays me enough money to cover the bills without having to stress too much. My minivan is able to get me to work and home again every evening. The dog loves me and hates the cat, and the cat loves me and hates the dog ... that in itself reminds me that life is pretty much as it should be. Day in and day out ... life goes on. And, until the day I die, life will go on. So though I can't choose much of what will happen to me while I'm living, I can choose to live this life with a smile and a determination to love those around me. I can choose to enjoy every day, being thankful for the blessings (both big and small) that touch my life. I can choose to wake up every morning and embrace life that day ... even if it is different from all the ones before it. And, through Christ, I can live my life without fear.

Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. (Isaiah 41:8)